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Thread: Hesitant spouse

  1. #1

    Default Hesitant spouse

    Even though he recognized that DD8 is struggling emotionally and socially in school, DH is hesitant to support homeschooling her. His main concern is that he feels she needs the consistent socialization to increase her tolerance to it. He is also concerned that her "big" personality may be stressful for me to deal with 24/7. I am hoping that removing the stress of school might ease DD8's tension.

    Can you suggest any resources for DH that might allay his concerns?


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  3. #2


    Hello again,

    I have lots of resources to help your child, but unfortunately none for help to talk with your spouse. (Though the kids resources might help too.)

    I can only talk about our experience and hopefully someone will jump in with some other ideas.

    Social anxiety is sometimes where a person is overloaded with stimuli causing the anxiety. Constant exposure does not help. In fact for us it is better when DS gets downtime away from people so that when he does deal with people, the interactions go much better. He needs time to process. Regularly being exposed without the tools to deals with it sometimes means worse behavior, not dealing with it better.

    She needs the tools, but just tossing her in the situation will not making it better. She will not just get used to it. She needs to learn how to cope and space to be able to do that.

    Let me know if you want the kid resources.
    A mama who teaches college writing, as well as help her 12-year-old in
    choosing his own life adventure. Using Global Village School to support our desire to develop a sense of social justice and global awareness.

  4. #3


    I really enjoyed reading Laura Grace Weldon's How Homeschooling Changes Everything. It gives lots of examples of how homeschooling can "be" including many particular reasons for homeschooling. The book is not so much a how-to manual but more like it bucks up your confidence that you'll be charting your own waters with homeschooling. And that can be a really amazing thing.

    We're accidental homeschoolers too; we started in 3rd after dd was slow to read and wasn't getting what I considered to be adequate attention to the problem at her expensive private school. We both work, mostly from home; my husband was really horribly resistant to the idea of homeschooling and that whole summer between 2nd and 3rd grades was a nightmare of fights between the two of us. What I realized, slowly, is that he was reluctant to change HIS life to homeschool. This makes him sound like an awful human being. He's not. He simply did not "get" what homeschooling was, thought it would be school-at-home, and thought it would consume 100% of our time. In other words, he approached it as a negative (I will have a hard time working if she's home for school) as opposed to a win-win all-around thing that it (eventually) involved into. In other words, this creative, imaginative man could not creatively, imaginatively, picture what and how homeschooling was to happen.

    Which is why I mention the book above. It will not picture how *your* homeschool will go, really; but it might give you a lot of ideas how it *could* go.

    Homeschooling will change everything in your life. It will change the relationship you have with your spouse, it will change the relationship you have with your daughters, it will change the relationship they have with each other and your spouse. You may choose to homeschool both of them because getting one off to school in the morning then stopping homeschool to get your other daughter might turn into an awful PITA, less so than schooling 2 kids. isn't working out so well, so I don't see how much you have to lose. Anxiety can be a real bear.
    Eclectically homeschooling 8th grade dd, who likes science as much as art...

  5. #4
    Senior Member Evolved Deli76's Avatar
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    Sep 2011
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    My hubby was hesitant too. After quite a while, I decided to do a trial run of homeschooling about 1 month before school started. I think he saw how well she adapted and finally got on board. I also did my research about home school play groups, co-ops, field trips, etc.. He attended a few and that also eased his fears as well. I think for many of us its a spouses approval that we wait for. And thats ok. Sometimes we have to show proof that its going to be ok. And thats ok too.The one thing that really eased hubbies concerns was the co-op. He was really afraid that dd would be "one of those weird home schooled kids". He was worried about socialization. Run the idea of a "trial" by him.
    Bobo 13 yrs old - marches to the beat of her own drum, driven, out going and loud, yet she loves nature
    Booger Boy 21 yrs old - quiet, self assured, confident and laying his own path

    umbers cucumbers!!!!

  6. #5


    We are accidental homeschool as well, and new to homeschooling having started in early January. One of my first grade twin daughters has high functioning ASD and, altohough very smart, refused to work independently at school. My husband was very hesitant and we butted heads a lot before compromising. He agreed to pulling her (and twin sister) out for the remainder of this school year as a trial. If it didn't go well, she would start second grade at PS in the fall.

    Fortunately, after seeing how well both girls are performing in homeschool, he is finally comfortable. I keep him involved in curriculum choices, regularly show him what we are working on, and my girls keep him informed, by choice, as well.

    It's important to both of us that they stay at grade level, in case we decided at some point to put them back into PS, so I'm very schedule oriented. But with that, we are typically done with school by lunch and have time for fun things. Our area has a fantastic and large homeschooling community so there are plenty of social options. We do homeschool clay art classes and homeschool tumbling weekly, as we as special homeschool events at our lubrary, museums around town, etc.

    Maybe approach your husband about a trial run?

    Good luck!!
    Last edited by tdbates78; 03-17-2017 at 08:36 AM.

  7. #6


    My husband was also hesitant. My son struggles with social anxiety as well and manifests it with throat ticks and tapping. The teachers always considered this to be just obstinate behavior but the more they would call him out for it in class the worse it got. It really came to a head this year when the teachers started to send him to the principal's office for it (even though I had attestation from several professionals that this behavior was unconscious). My son started to get very angry about everything (which had never happened before). It was awful for all of us. My husband changed his tune after a meeting at the school to discuss my son's "bad behavior". We got into the car and I asked him what he thought and he said "I think they just don't want to be bothered with him anymore. It's too much work for them to teach him and they are using his anxiety issues as a way to single him out. I think it is time to homeschool after all." Guess what? No throat tics since he has been home. He sits down and does his work every day from the list I give him. He does need prodding, I am not suggesting things are perfect but he is a HAPPY child again for the most part.

    Good luck to you and if it helps you can tell your husband that I know of a psychologist couple who have a daughter with extreme anxiety and they homeschool her. I would imagine they had weighed all of the options as well as considered the impact of less socialization.

  8. #7
    Senior Member Arrived Elly's Avatar
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    Jul 2013


    I think one point to make is that it doesn't have to be forever. Another is to ask how you will evaluate 'success'. What will each of you be looking for?

    4th year of homeschooling DS, now 9!

  9. #8


    My wife was also extremely hesitant. While she is VERY hands off with that aspect of our lives, we agreed to set goals and reevaluate every year.

    She was concerned about learning to read. I agreed to try public school if she had not learned by the fall after turning 7. She's a pretty darn good little reader and she is 6.

    After seeing how it went for 4K and K, she made a comment about staying where we are (a virtual charter) next year. Apparently we aren't discussing things this year!

  10. #9


    I only have my own experience, but I have one child w/ a bit of anxiety. SHe blossomed after we pulled her from PS. It was stressing her out! She enjoys her friends, and she can control how much social time she has now, and the intensity. It's amazing, really. I didn't even think about it beforehand, since that wasn't our main issue, but I realized afterwards that the constant strain of being "on" was really dragging her down. It's been 3 years- no issues. SHe isn't going to be a social butterfly, she has no interest in that. She has close friends, cousins, sibblings- she knows how to behave in public. SHe just doesn't have to perform all the time. SHe can be herself, and she has learned to talk about it openly. I keep trying out clubs- I make her do 4H- she will say "OH, my mom is making me go 'socialize' but I will just talk with the friends I like, and ignore the rest of it" she doesn't want to join a co-op, but next year I think we will, and she will go. SHe may not like it, but she isn't awkward about it anymore, and it won't stress her out- she does know kids in it already
    Mom to 5 great kids~

  11. #10


    We both want to reduce the anxiety and stress that she is experiencing. We also both know that she is probably underperforming academically in school and we'd like to see her become interested in learning. The glaring difference is that DH is afraid that DD8 will become less social by being homeschooled and more dependent emotionally on me. He believes that she needs to push through her anxiety to overcome it. Even with ongoing therapy, I don't think she has the tools to do that right now and I think it's worth trying a different approach.
    I really appreciate all of the ideas and support I'm finding here. Thank you!
    Quote Originally Posted by Elly View Post
    I think one point to make is that it doesn't have to be forever. Another is to ask how you will evaluate 'success'. What will each of you be looking for?

    Mom to Powerful Girls - DD8 and DD6.

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