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  1. #1

    Default newbie with waffling hubby :(

    Hey I've been lurking for a couple of months and i'm finally irritated enough to post. I want to start hs in august instead of going back to ps. We have 2 boys, one in K and one in 4th. I thought I had hubby all talked into hs, but this morning he pretty much backed out!!! I'm so darn aggravated!!!
    I have lots of reasons for wanting to hs which I'm sure many of you share, bullying issues, issues with just what the heck do they do with all that time all day, teacher issues, and why does my 4th grader not have any clue where ANY country or state is located?
    My 4th grader is immature. He's really not, 30 years ago he would have been a normal kid, but nowadays kids seem to be 10 going on 18. (dates with girlfriends? really?) He's never bonded with one or two friends, he just seems to float, but he does get along well with other kids. I just worry about what peer pressure is going to do to him in the near future.
    Both boys have been very sheltered, we don't have much drama around here.
    And we live in supposedly a "good" system, however the middle school (yep I said middle school) just had a big drug bust!!!! I thought I was going to throw up! and I've been hearing stories of 4th graders with porn, and 6th grade girls making out with each other on the bus. not my babies!
    I really think I could do a better job, not that we haven't had good teachers, but ya'll know! Ugh just needed to vent!

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  3. #2

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    Maybe I can help a bit.

    I waffled myself, but not for the same reasons that you seem to be hinting at (although maybe I'm wrong). I recognized that HS was the right thing to do, but I was concerned about two things: 1) the income hit that might result because I work full-time from home and my wife works part-time outside the home, meaning I'd be responsible for three days a week of schooling, which led to 2) questioning my ability to teach effectively. But knowing that this was the right thing for my kid(s), I jumped in.

    You know what? I have no idea what I was so scared of.

    I don't know if your husband is going to be a part of the education or not, but even if he isn't, here's my suggestion to bring him on board a bit (if you haven't already done this, that is). Men, in general, like to feel like they're making the decisions, or at least the decision is made with their "consent." (It's an unfortunate flaw of the Y-chromosome; forgive us. It comes in handy in other ways, though!) If there's a way for you to search out some curriculum choices, particularly in areas he might be stronger in, then ask him which one of those he thinks has more potential, that might make him feel more involved and invested in the outcome. It's pretty much what my wife did to me. And now look at me, I can't shut up about homeschooling!

    I know what you mean about middle schools being terrifying places. We're in a rural area and there was still a prostitution ring at the middle school our kids would be going to in a few years. Nope! Not for us!

    I hope that maybe what I've suggested will help. Just give him time and make it gradual for him. People (guys especially) tend to resist change. The slower, the better, and with the summer coming up, you've got the luxury of some time. Good luck!
    Dad (39) to 2 DSs Hurricane (aka Nathan, 11) and Tornado (aka Trevor, 7)
    He likes to think he knows what he's doing. Please don't burst his bubble by telling him otherwise...

  4. #3
    Senior Member Arrived dbmamaz's Avatar
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    My husband finally said he'd let me try, but made me promise to parallel the school's curriculum in case I failed and had to put the kids back in (which, from the sound of it, he thought was likely). But 3 mo in to it, he was pretty comfortable. Near the end of that first year, I pointed out that we had to either put Orion back in public school for 9th grade, or home school all of high school (due to VA's laws, its hard to drop in). He said ok, keep on home schooling!

    of course, he thinks our youngest will go back for middle school, and I think high school . . . but we'll just have to see.
    Cara, homeschooling one
    Raven, ds 10, all around intense kid
    Orion, floundering recent graduate
    22 yo dd, not at home
    Inactive blog at longsummer

  5. #4

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    I pulled DD out of public school very abruptly. She was miserable, was being bullied, couldn't stop crying at the school(I think the crying is what ran off the very few kids that always said hi to her in the mornings). Anyway, DH really was not on board when I made the decision. I just knew in my heart that I had to get her out of that situation. I do agree with Mark wholeheartedly. Have some long discussions about curriculum, get him involved, etc. DH is now 100% behind me, especially with everything that is going on here within the school system. He can visually see that our child is excelling at her lessons and he knows that she is no longer being harassed by the mean kids. Our daughter has been very sheltered also. Good luck to you.

  6. #5

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    I'm sorry he isn't completely on board. My suggestion, in addition to Mark's statements, would be to emphasize that you can take things a year at a time. My DD is wrapping up K. Saying that I'll homeschool her through high school is just not something I can think about right now. But yes, we're going to continue to homeschool for first grade. If it's a major fail, we can always send her to PS. They simply have to accept her; it's the law.

    Has he told you why he is feeling ambivalent about homeschooling? Identify the fear and come up with a solution together. If he's afraid that your child will be socially awkward, you can talk about joining play groups or a co-op. Or you could show him some research about how well homeschooled children do socially and as a part of society as a whole. Let him meet some fellow homeschoolers. Is he worried your child will fall behind academically? Address that by looking at curriculum together or by looking at more of that lovely research.

    Good luck!
    Girl Child - 3rd grade
    Boy Child - Kindergarten
    Me - Along for the ride

  7. #6

    Default

    Those are great suggestions, too. I'm going to generalize again, so feel free to ignore me if it's not true in your specific case , but just remember that men tend to respond better to facts over feelings. I like a good chart or research study over a gut feeling.
    Dad (39) to 2 DSs Hurricane (aka Nathan, 11) and Tornado (aka Trevor, 7)
    He likes to think he knows what he's doing. Please don't burst his bubble by telling him otherwise...

  8. #7

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by MarkInMD View Post
    Men, in general, like to feel like they're making the decisions, or at least the decision is made with their "consent." (It's an unfortunate flaw of the Y-chromosome; forgive us. It comes in handy in other ways, though!) If there's a way for you to search out some curriculum choices, particularly in areas he might be stronger in, then ask him which one of those he thinks has more potential, that might make him feel more involved and invested in the outcome.
    Yup. We like to feel we've made the decision or had some hand in it. (My wife does this to me all the time, and it works. ) On the flipside, we hate being told what to do, being talked down to, and not asked our opinion. Not saying you do this, but just something to keep in mind.

    Quote Originally Posted by MarkInMD View Post
    but just remember that men tend to respond better to facts over feelings. I like a good chart or research study over a gut feeling.
    Again, I'll second that. Charts, numbers...things we can digest and make sense of...it has to be logical.

    Good luck with getting him to come around, Bamagurl.
    Dad to two: DD, 12 and DS, 8.5

  9. #8

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    Bamagurl, can you say a little bit more about your husband's specific objections? You've gotten some terrific feedback, though. I'm just wondering if there is something specific we could address.

    My husband was on the fence but agreed to try it for one year. He also wanted us to parallel what the ps would be doing with our son "in case we need to put him back in ps". A few months in, he was totally impressed with how much our son was learning. And not a week goes by that we don't have some realization about how great it is to live at our own pace, not have to wake up early, rush out of the house, fight the homework battles each evening.

    One conversation that helped, I think, was we both talked about our own public school experiences. Was your husband happy with how he was educated? Did he feel the academics were what he wanted/needed to learn? How about the system as a whole? The rules, the scheduling, the teachers and administrators? My husband had a lot to say about all of that, most of it negative, so I think that was a turning point for him in accepting the homeschooling option.

    Plus he knows that once I get an idea in my head I am [I]very, very[I] focused and it is futile to resist, so its best to just let that run its course.

    Good luck. Keep us posted.

  10. #9

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    Quote Originally Posted by Pilgrim View Post
    Yup. We like to feel we've made the decision or had some hand in it. (My wife does this to me all the time, and it works. ) On the flipside, we hate being told what to do, being talked down to, and not asked our opinion. Not saying you do this, but just something to keep in mind.

    Again, I'll second that. Charts, numbers...things we can digest and make sense of...it has to be logical.
    Gotta point out that women HATE being told what to do, being talked down to, and not having our opinion asked just as much as men -- it's just that a lot of women put up with being made to feel incompetent because they accept "their lot" and put social harmony over their own feelings. But don't for a minute think the need to feel valued, respected, and relevant in your own life is a "gender thing"! THe more women get educated and work in "traditionally male fields" the less they put up with that BS.

    I do agree that most men respond best to a logical reasoning whereas most women respond most to (and use) an emotional one. You don't need to exclude the emotional reasons, just broach them as facts (women often leave these unsaid thinking they are obvious): "I feel very strongly that this is best for our child." "It is important to me to try this." Those emotional reasons may not carry a lot of clout with the guy, but it will help you feel that you are heard and put him on notice to take this seriously and get his full attention. (lest he ends up sleeping on the couch)

    I'd also suggest trying to approach the discussion as a "team" thing rather than a debate. Sit down and discuss the pros/cons of both options. Don't interrupt or argue a counterpoint (yet), just get them all out, best onto a piece of paper. Be willing to start by listing YOUR concerns with hs as well as the benefits you see. Then talk about each point. Do your research -- have on hand facts like growth of hsing (it's not as rare as it used to be), hsing law in your state, support options available, published studies on socialization (if that's an issue for him), etc. If there is a point important to him, you might say, "I see this is important to you. What info do we need to find out to evaluate this? What might we do to address this? IF we hs, what could we do to make you feel more comfortable about that?"

    If he agrees to a one-year trial, discuss what criteria you will use to determine whether it was successful. How often will you check in to see what works/doesn't. If he agrees, also stress that you really need to have his 100% support for the trial period, so any doubts he has the first couple months he better swallow. :x I would encourage him to be involved, even if it is just running the science experiments on the weekends or giving the spelling tests (making sure dc will shine during them, of course, lol).

    If he's really can't agree with full hsing, how about enrolling in a VA in your state? You would still be "schooling at home" and depending on the state the hoops can be aggrevating, but he might be more willing to put his trust into a public VA or online option. They have oversight, social opportunities, and don't forget the materials are free, too. I used a VA for my first 2 years of hsing and it was a nice way to get my feet wet and build up my confidence. I love full-on hsing much more, but I wouldn't be nearly as comfortable if I hadn't gone the VA route to start. Just another option to get dc out of the ps environ.

    Good luck!

    ETA: you might have better luck if the discussion is about goals for kids' ed and whether ps is meeting those goals, and if not what other options there are...rather than "should we homeschool". Start big picture. Dh might have in his mind a roadmap for personal life (esp if his ego is more tied to work) that goes something like: get married, have kids, send them to ps (ie, kids out of the home most of the day and reduced responsibility), send them off to college, then show up for the weddings. What you are suggesting upsets that plan. He needs to find a new vision.
    Last edited by CatInTheSun; 05-15-2011 at 02:40 PM.

  11. #10

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    my husband wasn't on board fully at first either. He is very much a fact vs emotion person, however a few 'emotional guilts' helped. My weapons of choice: articles, books, pointing out any positive homeschooling & negative traditional schooling bits.

    He KNEW I was ready and capable to homeschool. He was just worried that our kids would turn out quirky or weird...and the truth is our son is not main stream, never has been, not likely he ever will be. Like your kids, he would of been great back in the day, when kids were more innocent. So I brought up the question what would happen to him if we stayed in traditional school? Bullying? Seek Drugs? Our son's self confidence was already shrinking because he wasn't a perfect fit.

    He agreed to starting in the fall, and teaching what he would learn in school, so if he had to go back to traditional school, he could without a problem. AND he agreed to taking it ONE YEAR at a time. I agreed on his terms. THEN lucky for me, the situation got worse at school and upset my husband enough to say "PULL'M" (however, I think he was thinking maybe we pull them and HS the rest of the year and my wife will want to send them to school by the fall???) and so we pulled our kids in Feb.

    During this time (from Feb to now) my hubby would mention homeschooling to various co-workers, etc...and he started to 'run into' LOADS of people that homeschooled their children, had positive things to say about it, had successful adult children in college, in careers, etc... Seems like homeschooling is a secret club, that no one really mentions, but if you homeschool, they all come out of the wood work and want to talk about how great it is!

    My father in law (hubby's dad) was one person we thought we'd get some rift from, but he gave us a check for curriculum instead and said he wanted to contribute to their education in any way he could! I think having my FIL be so open to it, helped my hubby feel better about homeschooling too. I should mention I talked with my FIL privately on my own before my husband did, so I could bring up the positive points and see where my FIL landed. Apparently a local independant school had spoken at his rotary and explained "homeschooling" to him. (however, it isn't the same homeschooling we do...he learned about the independant study program, but it worked in our favor)

    LOL My hubby just walked in and I asked him if he had suggestions or something to add...he said "sex helps" gees...men! Then he said: oh gees, I don't know, it's such an individual thing, what are his concerns, she should address his concerns directly with some information that sheds light and builds his confidence in the areas where he is concerned. Then as he left the room, he adds again, but a lot of sex helps too.

    You have the summer to 'homeschool' the kids and 'show' your hubby how it would go..bring up all the positive points as they come up each day. Have your kids talk about how they would like to homeschool, etc. FYI ~ kids that have been IN traditional school settings do have some transitions to make from school to home that might get in the way and have points for your hubby's concerns, so make sure to find out his concerns and address them the best way you can.

    Another thought I think someone else mentioned, but want to bring it up again...is you might be able to sign up for the independant study program thru the public school as a gateway. That way your kids are learning what the school thinks they need to learn, your hubby might be satisfied that checking in with the school once a week is good...then you have bought yourself a year to allow him to adjust to homeschooling. Just a thought...that was my original plan until I convinced the hubby of the flexibilty and how great it would be, yada yada yada...and then showed him how NOT flexible that independant program was (once he was mostly on board) .....Evil ways at work in my house...homeschooling brainwashing at it's best! hee, hee....(insert evil grin)
    Last edited by Lou; 05-15-2011 at 12:35 PM. Reason: typo...although I'm sure there are plenty more I missed. :/
    DS - 7 - An active, senstive & brilliantly clever negotiator
    DD - 5 - A drama princess who wears her heels & tiara to collect rocks in the mud.

    2011-2012 GOALS = to not stress out my children or our family with the learning/teaching process...to teach the love of learning...to enjoy my children to the fullest so when they fly the coop, I don't look back with regrets.

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