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View Full Version : Is it really too much to ask



Busygoddess
07-08-2010, 04:20 PM
that people respect our schedule & our time? We don't have a strict schedule. We don't plan every second of our day. However, there are certain things that we do on a schedule. We do our absolute best to eat lunch & dinner at the same time EVERY day. All our family members (and most of our friends) know we eat dinner at 5pm. So, at 5:10 yesterday, my FIL called. Hubby didn't answer the phone, because he was eating. Instead of leaving a voicemail, FIL hung up & called again. Hubby, figuring it must be important if his dad couldn't leave a message about it, answered. His dad was calling to ask if we'd be at the surprise party for hubby's uncle & if we wanted some stain for the deck (apparently, he had 2 gallons left after doing their deck). Seriously? This is what was so important that you had to interrupt a meal? This was so important that you couldn't leave a message & wait until we finished eating dinner to get a response?
If this was the only thing they did like this, I wouldn't be so irritated, but my inlaws do this all the time. Tuesday, Wednesday, & Thursday, shortly after dinner, hubby works on his schoolwork until around 9pm. I won't let him take his phone downstairs with him when he'll be doing school anymore. Almost every time, he would end up on the phone, and it was almost always his mom. So now, I remind him to give me his cell before he heads down to do school, so he can focus without the constant interruptions.
Hubby goes to bed early becasue he gets up between 4 & 5am. My MIL will call or text at 11pm to tell him the score of the hockey game.
As if all of that isn't annoying enough, they call me if they can't get hubby on his cell. His whole family does. Plus, if a family member wants to call Hubby, but doesn't have the number, the rest of the family will give them MY cell number instead of his.
All sides of the family expect us to do things with no notice; we've actually gotten calls the day before a holiday expecting us to not have plans & to spend the holiday with them. Excuse me, but we have at least 5 distinct parts of the family that cannot be combined together for any reason (and they all kow this), so what kind of drugs are you on to assume that we haven't made some kind of holiday plans with some part of our family?
My mom decides she's going to do big projects & then passes them on to me. She says she just wants my help, but once I'm involved she does nothing.

Saying something to them doesn't do any good, either. We've talked to most of them about it, but they still do it. I swear we're related to some of the most self-centered people in the world. They seem to assume that we schedule our life around them.

Sorry, I just really needed to vent about this. We've been dealing with it a lot lately and it's getting hard to not scream at them when they do this stuff.

StartingOver
07-08-2010, 04:32 PM
I have a real problem with this in my family, sorry I don't have any advice. But you aren't alone.

I had a much harder time when my mom and other older family members were still alive. Now that I am the Matriarch of my family...... I don't have to do squat !!

I have been known to tell everyone I am going on vacation, and his my Yukon out back LOL. Or that I am going on a field trip in the woods where cells don't work.

paganmomblog
07-08-2010, 05:23 PM
I am a planner. So if someone asks me to do something in advance it goes on the calendar. If we decide we want to go on a trip, it goes on the calendar. Birthday parties are planned at bare minimum 2 weeks in advance. Any parties I hold in my home are planned at bare minimum one month in advance (although Halloween, we usually begin planning around end of July or early August). My husbands' family is not like this at all. And I love them dearly. But they end up always trying to invite us to something 2 hours before it begins and almost every single time I already have our plans set. Sometimes they have even known about an event for weeks before even asking us! They don't plan anything. When we got married my mother in law kept telling everyone how enthralled she was watching me because I was on the ball with everything and extremely organized. LOL they drive me batty sometimes!

Sarbare0704
07-08-2010, 06:21 PM
Wow! Are you my husbands secret other wife or something? You just described my in laws! no advice, just know i feel your pain!

SherryZoned
07-08-2010, 07:10 PM
Simple thing to do. Just say NO. Just say if you can not respect me then I am can not answer your calls.

I say this because I am so done with disrespected by people. Heck I divorced my husband, I have kicked my brother out of my house and my mom has until August 1st to get out too. It is no joke around here anymore. I have a life, I do not need the stress nor hassle they bring on me. I have 3 kids to raise and get absolutely no respect or help from my brother and mom despite everything I have done for them. The exhusband we have agreement and that works really well for us.

If you don't respect me, or support me then you are on the hinder list and once you hit that last it is a matter of time before you are out of my life.

paganmomblog
07-08-2010, 08:35 PM
Wow! Are you my husbands secret other wife or something? You just described my in laws! no advice, just know i feel your pain!


Lol that all depends.....is he rich?

I thought by now the inlaws would have it figured out. We are always having to tell them no for stuff. My SIL doesn't even invite us to her kids' parties anymore because she doesn't decide to have one until the day before.

Busygoddess
07-09-2010, 07:52 AM
Well, it's nice to know I'm not alone. I love our family (well, mostly), but they drive me nuts. I'm a pretty organized person & like to plan. We have at least 5 Christmases we have to try to fit in, plus one just us & the kids. They've all been told (years ago)that it's first come, first served - whoever calls first about doing Chrsitmas on a certain day, gets us that day. We only do one holiday celebration per day. Not only have several called a few days before Christmas, thinking we'd still be free Chrsitmas day, but more than one has been upset about who we were spending Christmas day with. You would think that after being told we already have plans, enough times, they'd get the hint that maybe they should call sooner.

Sherry,
I tend to save cutting people out of my life for bigger infractions. I've temporarily cut people out several times & will cut someone out permanently, if need be. However, compared to some of the stuff our family members have done, disrespecting my time & schedule is pretty far down the list of offenses. I use cutting people out more for things like trying to override my authority with my kids.
However, I'm glad to hear you're taking control of your life. Some people don't ever mangage to do that. Good for you.

Sarbare0704
07-09-2010, 09:30 AM
Lol that all depends.....is he rich?

I thought by now the inlaws would have it figured out. We are always having to tell them no for stuff. My SIL doesn't even invite us to her kids' parties anymore because she doesn't decide to have one until the day before.

umm not so much lol

sb12345
07-09-2010, 10:29 AM
Mo voicemail message says this: "We are in school or having family time right now. Please respect that. If this is an absolute emergency where someone is bleeding, dying, or in danger, then please leave a voicemail on the house phone and I will get it ASAP. If not, please do not call the house phone because it distracts us. Thank you."

I turn the ringer off on the house phone, but when there is a voicemail, it clicks on and we hear it. We have had the occassional person call the house phone while we were busy but that was because they were in too much of a hurry to listen to my cell's voicemail message or just called the house phone. We explained to those people the point of not wanting to talk during those times and while my mother still calls, we can't hear it unless she leaves a voicemail and I won't call her back until after I am done being busy unless she says she is hurt, in the hospital, someone in the family is hurt, etc.

I feel for your situation! It can be so frustrating! My mother still does not respect our decision to homeschool so she thinks that if she interrupts constantly it will sway us. She gets so frustrated knowing the phone ringer is on silent, but oh well :)

Busygoddess
07-09-2010, 11:42 AM
We don't have a home phone, just the two cells. I can't shut the ringer off on mine, because I'd completely forget I have it if I did. Plus, people do call for emergencies & important reasons - someone is in the hospital; someone was in a car accident; someone is dead; someone who was in the hospital is being released, so don't come to hospital to visit today; someone is having surgery, again; a prescription is ready to be picked up; your appointment has been canceled & needs to be rescheduled because the Dr, therapist, Psychiatrist (whoever) had a family emergency, etc.
When the phone rings, I look at it to see who's calling. Then, I decide whether or not to answer. If it's the therapist's office calling & I know we have an appt in a few days, I don't answer because they're probably just calling to remind us of the appt. If it's someone who almost never calls, I'll probably answer. If it's a family member, I generally don't answer unless I need to talk to them or have been waiting for the call. If the same family member calls again & I didn't answer it the first time, I'll answer. If they leave a voicemail, I generally listen to it right away, in case it is important. If it was important, I respond right away, if not I call on our next break. Of course, many of them seem to think that whatever they want is important enough to interrupt anything. I've had people get mad because I didn't answer the phone while I was in the hospital (both as a patient & visiting someone).

callie
07-09-2010, 12:21 PM
We had this problem last year. My FIL lives with us in our basement. That sounds so horrible, but he has a little apartment down there. Anyway he doesn't bother us too much and respects our wishes. However, my SIL asked to stay with us for a couple of months and it turned into 2 years. She didn't care what time it was she was knocking on the basement door wanting to talk to the kids. I locked the door and we tried to ignore her. I ended up having to put a sign on the door when we were schooling. Kinda like the ones you see in the doctors office. Not very subtle and still didn't work. Apparently her needing to tell the boys hi was more important than them learning in school. We just went back to ignoring any knocks on the door. As far as phone calls, I ignore everyone. There are very few people that don't know we homeschool, and those are the only ones that have an excuse. I put my phone on vibrate so that it doesn't disturb the boys. My mother has a habit of calling on her lunch break everyday. I tried to be reasonable last year, but it got to the point where I had to be almost rude to her. I hate being that way, but we are doing school not playing at the park. Well, sometimes we were playing at the park, but that's not the point. :-) I can't really offer any advice on how to get it stop, just ignore it as much as possible. Good Luck!

paganmomblog
07-09-2010, 01:08 PM
I can understand not wanting to turn the ringer off. I have a phone that has a mute button and I love it. So if it does ring and I don't want to answer, I can hit that and not be bothered by the ringing. With my parents (not that they ever talk to me unless they want something) they know to text me if it's an emergency and I will call. Hubs parents we can't do that but they are respectful enough to only call during the day if it's an emergency, otherwise they call the hubby. His sister doesn't call so I think if they did I would assume an emergency.

@sb12345 Your mom does that??? WOW! I can't beleive some of the things families' do. I mean I get over the planning issues but that would really piss me off.

SunshineKris
07-09-2010, 02:57 PM
I have no advice. I am lucky to live 6+ times zones away so I have an excuse for everything! Though my dad often calls at the wrong times, dinner mainly. I love being able to say, "Sorry I've got to let you go (after a long boring conversation that I am so beyond done with). It's time for dinner/kids' bedtimes/I'm super tired." I always say, when asked if I miss living near family, that I need time zones between me and my mom or dad. My in-laws are great; it's my parents who are the issue, go figure. I do miss living near my in-laws. My mom or dad, not so much. My sisters, sure. My mom, my dad? Yeah, not really. My stepmom, miss her but she's married to my dad so she gets caught up in my bad phone call mess. Poor wonderful woman. :)

So just put time zones between you and the family so you have a much more convenient excuse! It's worked wonders for us for years! ;)

Riceball_Mommy
07-09-2010, 03:50 PM
My family doesn't call me that often. I haven't heard from my mother in about 2 years, and my father just never calls me for whatever reason. I don't get a lot of phone calls so I don't really get that interruption.

StartingOver
07-09-2010, 09:12 PM
Typing jibberish to get past the forbidden wall......... who cursed ?

StartingOver
07-09-2010, 11:13 PM
hmmmm another jibberish post, to see if there is anything new LOL.

StartingOver
07-09-2010, 11:13 PM
Nopers, just me talking to myself....... nothing new there !

pandahoneybee
07-10-2010, 07:50 AM
ok i got thru it too;) Jana you are not alone LOL

Busygoddess
07-10-2010, 08:07 AM
I am a planner. So if someone asks me to do something in advance it goes on the calendar. If we decide we want to go on a trip, it goes on the calendar. Birthday parties are planned at bare minimum 2 weeks in advance. Any parties I hold in my home are planned at bare minimum one month in advance (although Halloween, we usually begin planning around end of July or early August). My husbands' family is not like this at all. And I love them dearly. But they end up always trying to invite us to something 2 hours before it begins and almost every single time I already have our plans set. Sometimes they have even known about an event for weeks before even asking us! They don't plan anything. When we got married my mother in law kept telling everyone how enthralled she was watching me because I was on the ball with everything and extremely organized. LOL they drive me batty sometimes!

Good to know I'm not the only one who starts planning Halloween at odd times. It's my favorite holiday and the only regular one we can have a party for, so I put more time & effort into planning Halloween than any other holiday. We actually do a month long celebration, watching horror movies, eating Halloween themed food, doing Hallolween themed arts & crafts projects, etc. I'm already working on my list of movies for the month. Well, actually it's 3 lists - one that Jay can watch, one that Dea can watch, and one for me. I'm working on the decorations, too. Hopefully, I'll be able to buy the wood, for the gallows & guillotine, in the next few weeks.

Busygoddess
07-10-2010, 08:17 AM
I have no advice. I am lucky to live 6+ times zones away so I have an excuse for everything! Though my dad often calls at the wrong times, dinner mainly. I love being able to say, "Sorry I've got to let you go (after a long boring conversation that I am so beyond done with). It's time for dinner/kids' bedtimes/I'm super tired." I always say, when asked if I miss living near family, that I need time zones between me and my mom or dad. My in-laws are great; it's my parents who are the issue, go figure. I do miss living near my in-laws. My mom or dad, not so much. My sisters, sure. My mom, my dad? Yeah, not really. My stepmom, miss her but she's married to my dad so she gets caught up in my bad phone call mess. Poor wonderful woman. :)

So just put time zones between you and the family so you have a much more convenient excuse! It's worked wonders for us for years! ;)

Oh, if only I could. I keep telling hubby that I want to find an uninhabited island somewhere & move to it. That would get me away from the family and the idiots here who can't drive if it's raining, or snowing, or if the sun is too bright, or if it's dark, or if there are bugs in the air, or.....

Riceball_Mommy
07-10-2010, 12:05 PM
Oh, if only I could. I keep telling hubby that I want to find an uninhabited island somewhere & move to it. That would get me away from the family and the idiots here who can't drive if it's raining, or snowing, or if the sun is too bright, or if it's dark, or if there are bugs in the air, or.....

It sounds like you live in Maryland. My brother in law has driven many places all over the world, including LA and Iraq. He even says the worse drivers in the world are here.

As for Halloween I'm already looking at costumes, and we've had the theme for Talena's birthday party picked out since last year. I like to plan things in advance too, so when my family tells me "we'll see" it does drive me bonkers. Though I do understand why they say it, they have the hardest time just keeping track of doctor's appointments and my grandfather never knows when he'll have to stop and work on his truck.

Busygoddess
07-10-2010, 12:13 PM
i can hardly wait until we can read this thread normally

Busygoddess
07-10-2010, 12:23 PM
It sounds like you live in Maryland. My brother in law has driven many places all over the world, including LA and Iraq. He even says the worse drivers in the world are here.

As for Halloween I'm already looking at costumes, and we've had the theme for Talena's birthday party picked out since last year. I like to plan things in advance too, so when my family tells me "we'll see" it does drive me bonkers. Though I do understand why they say it, they have the hardest time just keeping track of doctor's appointments and my grandfather never knows when he'll have to stop and work on his truck.

I live in IL. Though, I'm convinced that my city was originally populated by the villige idiots of neighboring towns & states & their descendants still make up a large portion of the population.
Not only are we already planning for Halloween, but today I told the kids to start writing their wishlists for Christmas. I'd like to send them out by the end of next month.

StartingOver
07-10-2010, 01:42 PM
geez now I can't go back and look at poage 2 LOL
On to three !!

StartingOver
07-10-2010, 09:48 PM
la di dah !!!!

StartingOver
07-12-2010, 11:39 AM
YIPEEEEEEEEE I can read it !!! I am so happy now !! Dancing around the room.

Shoe
07-15-2010, 10:23 PM
I have no advice, but suffer the same problem. It's always seemed rude to me to answer the phone at the expense of a dinner conversation with my family, so I don't answer the phone (no matter how important it might be, it can wait...but I hate the phone anyway). My father always had the same rules about the phone...NO phone calls during dinner, and as kids we were only allowed to accept calls at specific times. Any other incoming calls were intercepted and deflected by my father in a polite but firm way; family friend or business, it didn't matter.