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paganmomblog
06-04-2010, 02:19 PM
So I went to lunch with the hubs and father in law. I was telling hubs all about a bunch of tools on my laptop that I just found that would help with organizing lesson plans, schedules, and so on (I really should have looked at everything when I first got it 2 months ago). Of course we ease into this discussion about homeschool and all of a sudden my hubs says, "the problem with homeschool is, what do the kids REALLY learn?".:eek: I just stared. I mean really I was so caught off guard because WE talked about it alot. I mean yea we made the decision awfully quick but we still talked about it. I just couldn't beleive my ears and then to be honest it really pissed me off.:mad: I felt like I spent all this time advocating (he wasn't exactly all for it at first) on how trying it for one year wouldn't make our kids idiots and then he says that.

Honestly, I think he just can't let go of the idea of brick and mortar school. Or he doesn't want to. And that in itself angers me because brick and mortar is holding back our daughters who have a huge desire to learn far ahead where they are now. I went into a tirade and I am pretty sure everyone in Chili's listened to me go on about how they can learn until they master it at their own pace, homeschool children go on to colleges just as easy as any other child, they are equally and sometimes even smarter than PS kids, AND don't use the lazy homeschoolers (aka, parents who don't actually teach kids) as a mascot for what homeschooling really is

StartingOver
06-04-2010, 02:40 PM
So I went to lunch with the hubs and father in law. I was telling hubs all about a bunch of tools on my laptop that I just found that would help with organizing lesson plans, schedules, and so on (I really should have looked at everything when I first got it 2 months ago). Of course we ease into this discussion about homeschool and all of a sudden my hubs says, "the problem with homeschool is, what do the kids REALLY learn?".:eek: I just stared. I mean really I was so caught off guard because WE talked about it alot. I mean yea we made the decision awfully quick but we still talked about it. I just couldn't beleive my ears and then to be honest it really pissed me off.:mad: I felt like I spent all this time advocating (he wasn't exactly all for it at first) on how trying it for one year wouldn't make our kids idiots and then he says that.

Honestly, I think he just can't let go of the idea of brick and mortar school. Or he doesn't want to. And that in itself angers me because brick and mortar is holding back our daughters who have a huge desire to learn far ahead where they are now. I went into a tirade and I am pretty sure everyone in Chili's listened to me go on about how they can learn until they master it at their own pace, homeschool children go on to colleges just as easy as any other child, they are equally and sometimes even smarter than PS kids, AND don't use the lazy homeschoolers (aka, parents who don't actually teach kids) as a mascot for what homeschooling really is

HUGS !!!! HUGS !!! HUGS !!! I would be irate to be blind sided, especially in public.

Sometimes it is hard when our spouses don't agree totally, or let other influence their decisions. If the two of you agreed to a trial year, I would make him stick to it. Then you can all revisit your options then.

My husband now, wasn't at all for homeschooling, even though he could see how well the olders turned out and commented on it. For me there is no other option. Now even though we aren't even officially homeschooling ( my son will only be 4 ), he notices that he would not fit into a brick and mortar school without being bored to death. So now he is on board and my biggest supporter.

My mother thought I was making a mistake till the day she died. My father supports me ! My siblings think I am nuts. My children are ALL talking about homeschooling their own !

Firefly_Mom
06-04-2010, 03:08 PM
Oh, I'm so sorry that he hit you with that...in public, no less. It is still possible that he'll come around, though! My husband wasn't too sure at first (and the fact that we didn't know ANY homeschoolers didn't help much!) I made a huge effort that first year to meet a lot of other families so that he could meet other (supportive) dads and talk to them. I shared interesting articles or info that I found in homeschooling books - especially those that proved wrong any of the normal misconceptions. I also shared all of the interesting activities and such that were available to local homeschoolers, even if we weren't planning on taking part (prom, sports teams, etc.) Flash forward 8 years, and he's not only totally on board, but quite the homeschool cheerleader :)

jab300
06-04-2010, 03:25 PM
That was tough! Good job keeping your cool and hanging in there. All I can say, after 22 years of marriage, is that sometimes men say things that come out one way and are totally opposite of what they meant to convey and they don't even realize it. Maybe some of that was going on. Either way you know what you are doing is best for your kiddos and that's that. :)

paganmomblog
06-04-2010, 03:49 PM
Thanks for the support! I wish I could get him interested in meeting the other local hs'ers in the area but he is very anti-social and is extremely uncomfy in those situations. I am sure we will discuss it more this weekend. I am still so confused as to where this comes from because he even spent time looking at various unit studies I printed up. He found them all interesting and even offered up a few suggestions. So....I don't know what is going on. Maybe cold feet?

Snoopy
06-04-2010, 04:24 PM
Thanks for the support! I wish I could get him interested in meeting the other local hs'ers in the area but he is very anti-social and is extremely uncomfy in those situations. I am sure we will discuss it more this weekend. I am still so confused as to where this comes from because he even spent time looking at various unit studies I printed up. He found them all interesting and even offered up a few suggestions. So....I don't know what is going on. Maybe cold feet?

Wow, that's puzzling! I would tend to agree with Julie though. Sometimes people say something that, between the tone that's used, the words that are chosen and or the sensitivity of the recipient of the comment, ends up meaning something different than what they meant. Now that this is behind you, can you sit down with your husband without being too defensive and asking what he meant by that? Maybe he was making a joke and it fell flat and before he could correct himself you started defending your POV? Well, at least I hope that's what happened. Hang in there. ((HUGS))

BPier12
06-04-2010, 04:50 PM
Angela, you say that you were at lunch with your father-in-law too. Is it possible that he is giving your husband some negative feedback about homeschooling and you are not aware of it? If that is the case, maybe your husband is feeling conflicted.

warramra
06-04-2010, 05:30 PM
My husband was really not on board with homeschooling the first couple of years. I mean he agreed to the first two years because he figured "how much could I screw up K and 1st grade". Seriously those very words came out of his mouth. While he never was down on homeschooling in front of his parents, he always made me do the talking when it came up. Fast forward to this year, and he is the one who told me that he doesn't care if our kids ever go to school (we've always planned on letting them go to high school). Then last night when I was trying to show him the standardized test scores that had come he told me to throw them in the trash because he could care less what they said.

I think for husbands like mine that never do their own research it just takes time for them to come around. They have to see homeschooling in action to really understand what and how homeschoolers learn. They just can't picture how it looks in real life. For my dh taking it year-by-year for the first couple of years was what it took. He had to know that 1. this wasn't just MY decision and he had a say in it too, and 2. that it wasn't a forever decision. You might also like this article (http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/04/06/AR2010040603497.html) about a mother who took her anxiety-ridden daughter out for one year to homeschool and the affect it had.

I'm not sure where you live in NC but if you are close to us I'm willing to just get together and meet sometime.

Amy

hockeymom
06-04-2010, 06:35 PM
Oh my heart just goes out to you! What an awful position to be put in, and in front of your FIL at that. I hope you have the opportunity to really talk about it this weekend and can get to the root of what happened. More *hugs* being sent, because there can never be too many!

I agree with what Amy said about sometimes people needing to see results for themselves, and needing to know that they played a real part in the decision making process. The primary homeschool parent probably does the most research and is therefore probably most comfortable with the idea, especially at first or before it even starts. I know for us it took some convincing on my part for my dh to see that ps just wasn't going to cut it for our son, but it took a year and a half of seeing that was true before he felt like homeschooling was a viable option. Because it's been immediately successful, he is definitely more on board, although I don't think he's mentally committed to it "forever" the way I have.

Whatever conversations you have this weekend (and beyond) and whatever decisions are made, I hope you can participate in them as the team that you are. Best of luck! :)

paganmomblog
06-04-2010, 08:53 PM
Wow, that's puzzling! I would tend to agree with Julie though. Sometimes people say something that, between the tone that's used, the words that are chosen and or the sensitivity of the recipient of the comment, ends up meaning something different than what they meant. Now that this is behind you, can you sit down with your husband without being too defensive and asking what he meant by that? Maybe he was making a joke and it fell flat and before he could correct himself you started defending your POV? Well, at least I hope that's what happened. Hang in there. ((HUGS))

Could very well be. Sometimes i jump the gun and just say whatever is on my mind.....great attribute speaking the mind, not so great when I am overbearing about it.

paganmomblog
06-04-2010, 08:54 PM
Angela, you say that you were at lunch with your father-in-law too. Is it possible that he is giving your husband some negative feedback about homeschooling and you are not aware of it? If that is the case, maybe your husband is feeling conflicted.

It's possible although his dad would be more likely to say something to me about it, or at least he always has as far as I know. I will have to ask though just to find out.

paganmomblog
06-04-2010, 08:58 PM
@warramra @hockeymom thank you both, that does make sense. He really hasn't taken any time to read up on anything about homeschooling, he only knows what he hears in the media. Unfortunatley whenever we hear anything on the media it's not someone who is seriously homeschooling but lazy parenting. Now that I have had time to chill I can get my thoughts together and really try to find out what is going on with him.

@warramra we are in Asheville. If you are close we would love to hang out sometime!

firefly
06-04-2010, 09:54 PM
Hi Angela, Nightline had a story on h/sing either June 1st or 2nd. This was also on ABC World News Now overnight & picked up the next day by various media incl. talk radio. I wonder if hubs was influenced by this - maybe even via FIL like other posters suggest. I saw part of it at like 4 a.m. It was not positive, but since it had no relevance to me - I went back to sleep.

Also, like these other great people have pointed out, the person not responsible for the day-to-day is most likely to feel unsure about what will be going on.

I know some great pagans in the Triad! I'll have to find their link & send it to you b/c they always have stuff going on - you might bring hubs? I have 2 DD's. One 10 & one 11 who are always looking to meet friends they don't have to tiptoe around b/c of religion. (But if you bring Nutella they might follow you home!)

hjdong
06-04-2010, 10:24 PM
I'm sorry that happened. Like others, my DH wasn't entirely sure at first, but has come around. He's never said anything in public, but he has made comments at times (mostly of the "well, he has to do xyz eventually"). I notice that if I'm particularly stressed or complain about how school is going, he's more likely to make a comment. I try to carefully complain, either asking for advice or saving it for friends. I don't know that it's the case with you, but is it possible he's picked up on you worrying (starting can be emotional) and is reacting (not well)?

crazymama
06-05-2010, 06:32 AM
I'm so sorry. I really would suspect that FIL had something to do with it.. because I know once, maybe a year or so ago my FIL who to my face supported our homeschooling, old hubby that he thought I was ruining my kids and they needed to be in school where children belonged... blah blah blah (yes he went on and on and on). Hubby came home to me laughing about it... and I laughed too because he is a rude crude person who went to public schools, but deep down it was kind of a smack to know that someone who pretended to my face to be supportive was really just lying to my face.

warramra
06-05-2010, 09:42 AM
@warramra @hockeymom thank you both, that does make sense. He really hasn't taken any time to read up on anything about homeschooling, he only knows what he hears in the media. Unfortunatley whenever we hear anything on the media it's not someone who is seriously homeschooling but lazy parenting. Now that I have had time to chill I can get my thoughts together and really try to find out what is going on with him.

@warramra we are in Asheville. If you are close we would love to hang out sometime!

Bummer, I live in Apex (near Raleigh). I've been to the Asheville area a couple of times and we are talking about taking the family to the southern NC mountains soon. When we go to the mountains it is normally north of Boone where his parents have a cabin. Maybe we can get together when we head that way.

I asked my husband last night how he knew that the children were learning? Especially since he refuses to look at the standardized test scores and when I start talking curriculum his eyes get that funny, glazed-over look. He said how can he not tell they are learning. He talks to them, he takes them to his weekend work on swimming pools, he takes them for walks and bike rides. They love to share with him projects they are working on and if they are having a particularly hard time learning spelling words or math facts they ask him to help because "he makes it more fun". I believe that he has a bigger role in their lives and knows more about what they are learning because we homeschool.

I just remember that as the time came closer for us to make the decisions to go school or homeschool a lot more little doubts came to the surface, for both of us. It isn't unusual to question such a big decision regarding our children and their future. Maybe he was asking the question for his father, maybe he felt more comfortable asking the question in a public area or maybe, like my husband, he just asked the question because it popped into his head at that moment.

Oh, and doubts will not go away...they just change. Though we don't question homeschooling anymore, both of us struggle with different aspects. He worries that since we don't have bedtimes and wake-up times that the children will not learn how to get up for work later in life. That one has been addressed many times because they will get up early if we need to go somewhere early in the morning, they are just natural night owls. Also, since he is the one normally hanging out with them at 11:30 pm, I've told him that he can be the one to enforce a bedtime:D. Me, I worry about curriculum, or lack of it (ALOT) and if the younger ones are getting enough since they just follow along most of the time. Anyway, don't be surprised if you get blindsided by questions from him throughout the journey.

Eventually, it won't be YOU are homeschooling it will become WE are homeschooling.

Amy

dbmamaz
06-05-2010, 09:57 AM
Just wanted to point out that my husband was originally so opposed to home schooling that he only said he was ok with me taking a year off to stay home w our child (the youngest) because I'd finally stopped talking about wanting to home school my middle child (because he'd gotten in to a good stand-alone specail ed class so we werent in constant crisis). Finally, after the youngest spent the year crying every morning that he had to go to kindergarten, and the middle one started getting suspensions because of his disability (which is against the law and i didnt know how to fight it), he said he wouldnt veto me home schoolng. But he made me promise to stay paralell to public schools, becuase he was pretty sure i would fail and have a nervous break down and need to put the kids back in school. However, just 2 or 3 months after we started, he said it was clearly better for my specail needs son. And while he looked annoyed when I talked about future years at first, he seems pretty ok with it for the forseeable future. So hopefully he'll come around, thatsall i'm trying to say.

paganmomblog
06-05-2010, 04:32 PM
Thanks so much you all!

This morning I got an email about a used curriculum sale going on at a nearby church that was also offering some free workshops. One in particular "I am going crazy and making my kids stupid, HELP ME!" was being offered so I asked him if he wanted to go. At first he said no and I just quietly went on with my day. 15 min later he reappeared and said "I think we should go, do we have time for showers?". So we went and it ended up being the thing that made it all click for him. I think the clincher was when the guy said that homeschool kids have more motivation and drive to learn and do better out in the real world because so. My hubs did the bare minimum in school and aced his way through, everything came easy to him and no one ever challenged him. He has always said that it has hindered him from really succeeding and being disciplined in life. So after that he decided it would be better for our kids to be challenged and self-motivated and they could only get that through homeschooling. Actually he is so on board that when we got home he tried to redo the 4 month curriculumn and one month of lesson plans (that I have redone 4 times and worked on for a month). I had to slow him down and then reprimand myself for taking it personally. Then we had a family discussion with the kids to discuss more of "what to expect" for them and give them a chance to voice their own concerns. He is looking at helping me figure up more of their curriculum and lesson plans after we get started and see how it all ends up playing out for us.

Man I wish we had this seminar a couple weeks ago!

dbmamaz
06-05-2010, 05:19 PM
lol so glad something clicked for you guys!

StartingOver
06-05-2010, 06:01 PM
Yeah !! I am glad you two worked it out. It is much easier if they are on board !

mommykicksbutt
06-05-2010, 06:06 PM
Wow pmb, I'm so glad it worked out for you! That workshop hit the spot. It's a good thing to have both mom and dad on the same homeschooling page. Now, perhaps dad can help with some of the instruction too so mom has time for other things?

hockeymom
06-05-2010, 06:10 PM
Hooray! Great news!! Thanks for letting us know! :)

hjdong
06-05-2010, 06:25 PM
That's great! And it's a great idea to have him do some teaching, particularly if he's into making lesson plans ;-).

Snoopy
06-05-2010, 09:13 PM
Hooray! So happy for all of you, Angela!

BPier12
06-05-2010, 11:04 PM
That's wonderful news, Angela! So glad the workshop helped and that you two will be working on this as a team!!

crazymama
06-06-2010, 11:22 AM
Awesome! Glad he is totally on board now!

jab300
06-06-2010, 11:28 AM
That's great news, glad to see some progress was made. :)