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View Full Version : Apparently I'm *Abusive*



warramra
06-02-2010, 03:53 PM
I'm going to vent for a minute here. Today I made dd10 retake a unit quiz on Nouns and Verbs after she scored a 60 on it the first time. But, even worse I made her actually go through the lesson on verb tenses that she skipped before taking the quiz. She scored a 100 after she actually went through the lesson. But, apparently, according to her I was abusive to make her redo the work she had skipped and redo the quiz.

I just don't know what I am going to do with her some days. She can push my buttons so quickly and has actually admitted that she likes to say things just to make me :mad:.

We don't unschool, but I like for most of the day to be independent, child-led activities (this has been the case since we started when she was 4) but after her required work is done she would rather sit on the sofa and stare at the wall than choose to do anything else. I've been asking her for suggestions for topic studies for next year...nada, "I'm not interested in anything."

So according to my 10 year old "school is stupid" and I am "abusive" today.

But, at least I had my 7 year old come up and hug me and tell me she loved me.

Amy

StartingOver
06-02-2010, 04:02 PM
HUGS !!!! I don't think you are abusive at all. I require 100 % on everything, I take a mastery approach. I do think this is a 10-12 tween thing though, as mine all went through the same stage at a similair time. We took more breaks for my sanity!!

This is the point where my homeschool puts more responsibility on the child. I go to a weekly list. When they are done, they are done. If they are not done by the end of the week, they lose their fun, so that they can finish up on the weekend. If it isn't done by the new week, it is added to that work. Eventually they realized mom wasn't going to give in, and they buckle down to get their freedom back.

( I know many will consider me mean, but it just works in my house. Sometimes life isn't pleasant, sometimes we have to do what we don't want to. It is a part of life, I would rather them learn at home, than to be shocked later. )

hjdong
06-02-2010, 04:35 PM
We're on a break right now because DS freaked out I wouldn't give him the answers on Timez Attack and he "has to start all over." Well, I already know the answers. If you don't want to play, don't, but don't expect me to do it for you.

Kids.

Busygoddess
06-02-2010, 04:46 PM
Wow! Your daughter would hate the way our homeschooling is done. Mastery & learning for uderstanding are the main focus. There's no point in studying something if they can't tell you something about it at a later time. For years, I don't even do grades. I check the work, but don't record grades. Any they get wrong, they have to go back & correct. Once we start recording grades, they still have to go back & correct any they got wrong. However, they don't get credit for the corrections, the original grade is what is recorded. As if that isn't cruel enough, anthing below a B is failing. If they fail a class, they have to redo it until they get a passing grade. If they're legitimately having trouble grasping a concept, I'll provide extra practice & work (ungraded) to help them get it. That way, they aren't penalized for having trouble understanding something. I don't give them any leeway when it comes to effort, though. I expect their best effort on every assignment, in every subject.
They don't get to play with friends, watch TV that's not school-related, or use the computer for anything other than school until their work (school & chores) for the day is done. If they fall behind during the week, they lose privileges for the weekend, too. They also lose privileges for having a bad attitude about school or chores.

Oh, by the way, I would have made her redo the ENTIRE unit, not just the part she didn't do originally. I'm cruel like that, though.:D

pandahoneybee
06-02-2010, 05:18 PM
Oh yes you sound so abusive to me;) my oldest son gives me trouble about redoing things as well, but I am with busygoddess we do the work so that you can retain the knowledge to use later! We are having big issues with fractions with Alex right now so he is doing alot of the work over and over again! And we do the take away game too, which works wonders for him! Until the next time;)

take a deep breath, you are doing a great job!

Snoopy
06-02-2010, 10:50 PM
Well, I have been faced with serious child abuse accusations from my 2 stepdaughters over the years (who are not homeschooled) and my answer has always been to offer to have them go live in a foster home with children who have actually BEEN abused and then they can tell me if taking their cell phone away because they're not respecting the rules of our house is abuse. Weirdly enough, they never took me up on my offer.

Kids think they're cool by throwing around words such as these but at 10, they rarely realized the seriousness of the issue, especially in this day and age when if she says this word to her pediatrician when she is asked how school is going or to a friend's parent, you might actually be reported for child abuse and have to be investigated and your other kids interrogated. I think a little discussion with your daughter regarding what abuse is might be in order.

As far as everyone else's answers, wow, you ladies are tougher than I am and I didn't think it was possible, lol. I'm more relaxed about grades with Noah this year because I've come to realize that when he expects a grade and he doesn't do everything perfectly, he gets very down on himself, which negates any progress he's actually made. The weird thing is that he's not a perfectionist (I have to fight to have him check his work before he turns it in!) but the grade seems inordinately important to him. So now I will "check" up on him in other ways: in conversations, in having him retell me something that we have studied (narration), in playing informal games like Brainquest. Also he is working at a higher level than the p.s. grade he would be in so I cut him a lot of slack (that I don't give my p.s. kids!)

We already don't watch TV much and he has to read to play videogames. He ENJOYS playing by himself and short of having sit in a corner, I can't prevent him from doing that. He is happy to spend a weekend alone in his room! I do cancel outings (and Christmas, by the way) if behavior is out of hand but with Noah it's never been an issue. He's been a really easy kid to raise so far. Now my 14 year-old, I could tell you stories... He's permanently on restrictions, it seems (no TV, no computer, no video games, no "going for a walk around the block with my friends", etc.) He can read or make himself useful. He usually chooses to read. He will come out of restrictions once I get his final report card if it is satisfactory and if he earns no more detentions between now and the end of the school year (next Thursday). Ugh, I can't wait until he's out of the snarky phase.

paganmomblog
06-03-2010, 08:11 AM
I think 10 yo girls are the new "tweens". Sometimes I stare at my 10 yo daughter and wonder when the heck she jumped to being 15. Everything is sooooo dramatic with her and she was never dramatic until this past year. The only thing I would suggest is maybe take a break for a few days and come back to it.

warramra
06-03-2010, 09:07 AM
Dd10's middle name could be 'drama', so it is a personality thing compounded with her age. I *knew* puberty with this child was going to kill me, I just wasn't expecting it to hit quite so soon. We had such a lovely year when she was 9.

Later that afternoon, when we had calmed down, we sat down and talked about the consequences of throwing around words like abuse. It might make her feel better at the time to throw that in my face but the consequences of it could be dire. She doesn't really feel abused, she is just put out with me because I'm calling her on her slacking now.

I'll admit that over the years I've given this child a long rope, as she is my first and I have/had a lot of self-doubts about how to homeschool her. She is smart, very smart. But, as we have discovered she is really not motivated with anything academic. I began to worry about LDs a few years ago, but nope - nothing. She is anxious and a perfectionist, and very stubborn... going to a graded curriculum this year was her choice, one she says she still wants to do. She admits that doing something for the sake of doing it holds no interest for her, she wants to know why she is doing something and what grade she gets on it. And, I'll say that T4L has been wonderful for us in this regard. She loves the immediate feedback. I just think she is trying me and the program out to see how little she can get away with. I'm hoping she figured it out yesterday, she at least learned that I can immediately look up and see if she even did the assignment.

Thanks everybody for letting me vent.

Amy

Busygoddess
06-03-2010, 09:26 AM
Well, I have been faced with serious child abuse accusations from my 2 stepdaughters over the years (who are not homeschooled) and my answer has always been to offer to have them go live in a foster home with children who have actually BEEN abused and then they can tell me if taking their cell phone away because they're not respecting the rules of our house is abuse. Weirdly enough, they never took me up on my offer.

Kids think they're cool by throwing around words such as these but at 10, they rarely realized the seriousness of the issue, especially in this day and age when if she says this word to her pediatrician when she is asked how school is going or to a friend's parent, you might actually be reported for child abuse and have to be investigated and your other kids interrogated. I think a little discussion with your daughter regarding what abuse is might be in order.

As far as everyone else's answers, wow, you ladies are tougher than I am and I didn't think it was possible, lol. I'm more relaxed about grades with Noah this year because I've come to realize that when he expects a grade and he doesn't do everything perfectly, he gets very down on himself, which negates any progress he's actually made. The weird thing is that he's not a perfectionist (I have to fight to have him check his work before he turns it in!) but the grade seems inordinately important to him. So now I will "check" up on him in other ways: in conversations, in having him retell me something that we have studied (narration), in playing informal games like Brainquest. Also he is working at a higher level than the p.s. grade he would be in so I cut him a lot of slack (that I don't give my p.s. kids!)

We already don't watch TV much and he has to read to play videogames. He ENJOYS playing by himself and short of having sit in a corner, I can't prevent him from doing that. He is happy to spend a weekend alone in his room! I do cancel outings (and Christmas, by the way) if behavior is out of hand but with Noah it's never been an issue. He's been a really easy kid to raise so far. Now my 14 year-old, I could tell you stories... He's permanently on restrictions, it seems (no TV, no computer, no video games, no "going for a walk around the block with my friends", etc.) He can read or make himself useful. He usually chooses to read. He will come out of restrictions once I get his final report card if it is satisfactory and if he earns no more detentions between now and the end of the school year (next Thursday). Ugh, I can't wait until he's out of the snarky phase.

Yay! I'm not the only one who has taken away Christmas! My daughter has really awful behavior problems (due partially to her ADHD & Bipolar). I've taken away Christmas & her b-day, no presents from anyone. Many people think it was harsh, but I needed to do something. Her main problem behavior is stealing, and that is something she needs to stop before she goes out into the real world. So, I'll be as harsh as I need to be to get through to her that this behavior is completely unacceptable.

As far as the grades go, I don't start recording grades until 4th or 5th grade, and then it's only a few subjects. Then, each year, I grade a few more subjects, until we're grading in all of them. They need to be used to grades by the time they're doing all high school level work & I don't want to just speing grades on them once they hit high school level. A large part of the reason I'm so strict on the grades is to prevent laziness. I know my kids can ace every class they're in. They have the potential, if they put forth the effort. I'll allow a small margin of error because people make mistakes & I don't expect perfection from my kids (we have enough perfectionist issues in this house without that). So, I figure a B (80%) is a decent grade to shoot for. It still shows that I expect excellence & allows for human error, but is a small enough margin of error that laziness won't be tolerated.

Snoopy
06-03-2010, 11:46 AM
A large part of the reason I'm so strict on the grades is to prevent laziness. I know my kids can ace every class they're in. They have the potential, if they put forth the effort. I'll allow a small margin of error because people make mistakes & I don't expect perfection from my kids (we have enough perfectionist issues in this house without that). So, I figure a B (80%) is a decent grade to shoot for. It still shows that I expect excellence & allows for human error, but is a small enough margin of error that laziness won't be tolerated. I follow the same reasoning with my kids. I expect them to get at least a B on everything. If they get a C but I know they did their absolute best, it's OK with me because then it shows me that they didn't understand something instead of them not doing the work or doing it without checking it or turning it in late... But if they get a C because they had missing assignments or points taken off for turning it in late or without their name on it or what not... then there are consequences. I wil start grading Noah more as we go up in grades as well. In Kindergarten I was grading everything, it was ridiculous.