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Stella M
12-22-2011, 05:30 PM
The 'I have no initiative and am happy to sit in this chair for the next 72 hours' kind.
And the 'I am the centre of everyone's universe, surely ?' kind

How to deal with without losing one's mind ? I am not cut out for this stage. I do sweet and cuddly under 12's. I am not equipped to deal with teens.

Gabriela
12-22-2011, 05:44 PM
The 'I have no initiative and am happy to sit in this chair for the next 72 hours' kind.
And the 'I am the centre of everyone's universe, surely ?' kind

You mean there's another kind of teen?

I've been working with teen-agers for two decades and still haven't managed to figure out how to not want to hang myself.
They're miserable, hormonal, emotional, irrational, unappreciative and inconsiderate.
I think 17 is the average age it starts to change back to normal.
The only thing I've managed is to learn to not take it personally.

dbmamaz
12-22-2011, 09:33 PM
Everyone told me not to take my daughters stuff personally, but I was not able to. She was the bane of my existence from 11 to 17. Good luck.

deannajo
12-22-2011, 10:18 PM
I'm right there too. I've been through it before with my adult daughter, and I'm not sure I can do it again! 12yo dd is just rearing up. She suffers from both afflictions - the no initiative and the center of the universe kind. Also apparently no one understands her at all! And she has two younger sisters coming up behind her!!! ... I don't think I can survive it all!

lakshmi
12-22-2011, 11:04 PM
uhm...can't help ya, sorry. feelin ya though... i've got two cute and cuddly under 12's here. Still wanting to curl up into my lap. But both with very serious mean streaks, obviously from their father!!!, and I am concerned about it Share what you learn...

Stella M
12-23-2011, 01:52 AM
17!

I want to run far away.
I am going to need to take drugs to make it through.

And, objectively, these two are at the mild end of the spectrum.

Someone today told me to treat them as though they have regressed ten years.
And she gave me a DVD on the teenage brain. I hope it helps.

inmom
12-23-2011, 07:34 AM
Someone today told me to treat them as though they have regressed ten years.
And she gave me a DVD on the teenage brain. I hope it helps.

Along the DVD idea, check out this Frontline website on the teenage brain, including a link to "Do Your Teens Seem Like Aliens: http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/teenbrain/

My dd was very frustrating to live with from about 11 to 13 years old. She seemed to fgure out on her own, though, that her behaviors weren't getting her what she wanted. I think what helps sometimes, especially for homeschoolers, is to be involved in activities outside the home and family. It gives the preteen/teen perspective on what goes on in the world and with others.

My ds, though, is still in the moody, would-rather-hide-in-my-room stage, but we're working on that!

farrarwilliams
12-23-2011, 07:35 AM
When I was teaching, I went to a seminar that explained ways in which brain research about the teenage brain was applicable for educators - so I think it probably will help. The thing I got out of that - pardon me any neuroscientists if I have this *completely* wrong - is that because kids' brains are growing like mad, they're suddenly like toddlers again in some ways. They have so many new pathways of behavior and thinking opening up in their brains and there's no wagon ruts on any of the paths yet. That's like a toddler trying to figure out what to do with a spoon for the first time or what will happen if you jump off the top of the slide. Except teenagers already understand basic tools and basic physics, so it's more like the different options for behaviors are all vying for attention. So the option to sit down and eat dinner at dinnertime has just as much weight as the option to stand on your head at dinnertime or to run outside and act crazy or to sit on the sofa and glare at everyone else eating their dinners. And that's a strange example, but teenagers are strange, right?

Good luck. This too shall pass (or so they tell me).

dbmamaz
12-23-2011, 11:20 AM
i remember seeing a really great article once and it covered everything I failed to do. I think part of it was that you need to recognize that when they are pushing you away they really want you to still assure them you love them, idk. i failed that part miserably. i just kept giving her more space when she was mean to me. I'm not very good at dealing with people, tho.

Virginia
12-23-2011, 12:05 PM
My 11yr old DS is at the moody, sulky stage. So, I counter it with as much bright cheerfulness as I can muster. Whenever he screams "I HATE YOU!" I smile and cheerfully reply, "That's okay, I love you enough for the both of us." It's rough. No doubt about it, but it passes. Just do the best you can and remember, in a few years they'll know you were right all this time.

Accidental Homeschooler
12-23-2011, 12:21 PM
I wish I had the answer. I am just telling myself to stick with her and be patient and to really, really, really enjoy those times where we connect despite all the adolescent angst. My dd will be 14 next month and it feels like things are getting a little better/easier. It is her very critical eye toward me that I find the hardest to not take personally. But yes, it is hard some days.

Gabriela
12-23-2011, 12:27 PM
When I was a rebellious teen, my grandmother used to say "what we do to our parents we pay for 10 x worse with our children" (sounds better in spanish)
If this is true, I'll have my hands full for sure.

baker
12-23-2011, 01:31 PM
Okay, you ladies are scaring me! My dd is 8 and already act like she is the center of the universe many days. I NEVER acted this way as a kid...but, I was the youngest of 6 (dd is the oldest).

belacqua
12-23-2011, 02:06 PM
When I was teaching, I went to a seminar that explained ways in which brain research about the teenage brain was applicable for educators - so I think it probably will help. The thing I got out of that - pardon me any neuroscientists if I have this *completely* wrong - is that because kids' brains are growing like mad, they're suddenly like toddlers again in some ways. They have so many new pathways of behavior and thinking opening up in their brains and there's no wagon ruts on any of the paths yet. That's like a toddler trying to figure out what to do with a spoon for the first time or what will happen if you jump off the top of the slide. Except teenagers already understand basic tools and basic physics, so it's more like the different options for behaviors are all vying for attention. So the option to sit down and eat dinner at dinnertime has just as much weight as the option to stand on your head at dinnertime or to run outside and act crazy or to sit on the sofa and glare at everyone else eating their dinners. And that's a strange example, but teenagers are strange, right?

Good luck. This too shall pass (or so they tell me).

And we've decided that this is the time in their lives they should be permitted to DRIVE? I'm terrified of that. Truly.

mommykicksbutt
12-23-2011, 04:42 PM
Our daughter got so bad (16 y.o. at the time) that we sent her butt to boot camp for trouble teens for 6 weeks. She came back a very grateful and respectful young lady. She hated the experience. She returned home to an empty room with no door (no door to her bathroom either) and motion detectors on her door frame. She had a cot, a pillow, a single blanket, 8 pair of granny panties, 2 bras, 8 plain white t-shirts, 8 pairs of plain white socks, 4 pair of shorts, 3 pair of sweatpants, 2 sets of pj's, 1 pair of sneakers, a bath towel, a toothbrush, a comb, and a hair brush. That was it. No electronics, no games, no jewelry, no make-up, no phone, nothing. Everything had to be earned starting with permission to leave her room. Now that she is an adult she knows that it was the only thing that could have gotten through to her at the time, she was on a self-destructive path and the boot camp experience made her get her head together about what she was doing to herself and her family. The police department recommended the program. Unfortunately the program is no longer available. What did she do with all of her time sitting in her room? She got real good at playing her cello (once she had earned it back) and sat 1st chair in the youth orchastra the following year!

Stella M
12-23-2011, 04:58 PM
Sounds tempting :)

It's the rudeness that pushes my buttons, I think because I'm not sure how to deal with it. Let it go because their brain is mush ? Call them on it ? If I call one dd on it she thinks she's being persecuted :) Where is my manual ?

The initiative thing is a weird one. It's not like they don't have any, but it's in stops and starts. Like they will plan something and do it but then the mechanism winds down and they just sit. They can't keep a day flowing.

It is sort of helpful to think that I have 3 children, 2, 4 and 7 years. Two big babies who need explicit guidance. Sort of. Boarding school would be more helpful.

Thank God I had three, because the third one is currently the most functional in the house. And by the time he goes teenage, the others should be through the other side.

Does anyone else feel guilty ? I feel guilty that I have raised a child who can be so rude, like there was something I should have done earlier to innoculate her. And that the other one - the sitting one - is suffering from lack of school. How do you tell which is your failings as a parent and which bits are developmental ?

dbmamaz
12-23-2011, 05:55 PM
the thing is, Heron was never so rude to other people. I mean, not other ADULTS. She was a total bitch to the other kids in high school sometimes, but she seemed to think it was funny, and maybe it was ok there? She ended up ditching all her freinds, not the other way around.

it used to drive me nuts that the 16 yo with no dx's was so much harder to deal with than the heavily drugged 13 yo and the 5 yo . . . .

Accidental Homeschooler
12-23-2011, 07:08 PM
Sometimes I say to my dd13 things like, "You know, I am actually a person too," or "I am being patient with you (huge understatement here) maybe you could have some patience with me." Things like that sometimes seem to jar her out of her own head a bit. Sometimes I feel like I am just this safe person for her to take her it out on.

Virginia
12-23-2011, 09:50 PM
We took DS to therapy when we decided to homeschool (DH wanted another opinion before I ruined his life). He was always sulky and would throw a fit whenever I asked him to do anything. She asked him why he did this. He told her that he reacts to his frustration and anger, and by the time he realized that what he was doing was wrong, he couldn't stop himself. She advised me that this was absolutely normal. "He's a preteen. Just wait till puberty." I managed not to slap her...but just barely.

Stella M
12-23-2011, 09:59 PM
Well, it's kind of good to know it's normal!

I just feel exhausted thinking about all the days ahead until they emerge from their cocoon.

Dd12 is rude to everyone. Her brother most especially, but she hasn't spoken to her formerly beloved aunt since she had her baby two months ago either. She can honestly only see it in terms of rejection of her. Because she is the centre etc.

I am tearing my hair out. School kept me a little distracted but now that summer has started and we all have 5 weeks together with no school, it's in my face. Squabble, bicker, cry, sulk, sit, yell, sit, squabble.

At least the older is still sweet. Just sort of slowed down. And oblivious. And kind of mushily clueless.

dbmamaz
12-23-2011, 10:41 PM
Oh, Heron was SO mean to Orion, and it was so sad . . . he would say something really sweet to her and she woudl turn around and call him names. I sometimes called her names right back because it pissed me off so much - Orion is totally helpless against even the mildest bullying.

ponygirl
12-24-2011, 12:29 AM
Oh, you lot are scaring me with all the dd stories. Mine is 6 she is already self centered and anti-authoritive, door slambing and the biggest mess maker I have had the displeasure of meeting (think horders the TV show) Her room is with no word of a lie knee deep in stuff. She simply refuses to put anything away. So till her room is tidy no friends over and she dosn't go to friends homes. 6 turning 16 comes to mind.
Ds is much easier to deal with and twice her age. Just a much gentlier personality but don't get me wrong I could donk him on the head almost everyday too.

lakshmi
12-31-2011, 12:35 AM
Okay, I think I am going to start a little tween reading and then build up to teen reading? i remember just hating my parents. Wait, I think I still might.. so maybe it is something to take a look at.

Lots of different ideas, but my kids are already sort of bratty, i can't imagine what they will be like in 10 years. To me, and to each other. Not sure what to do with them now. They seem to be getting worse instead of better. 2, 4, 5, all good... now... some good and some bad... attitude mostly.

jenpenny5297
12-31-2011, 02:14 AM
I respond to rudeness (I have a 15 year old with Asperger's who I really don't think he is that "bad" with the whole teen thing) by saying in a calm voice that was rude and I will not accept that disrespect. Because he is a classic Aspie he will then try to disect what I mean by rude- how was that rude, what was rude about it etc. etc to which I ignore him until he switches subjects. Once he switches subjects we converse again. I have also learned that I never raise my voice unless I really want it to count. So for day to day things I use my calm voice and for those times when he knows he is just being a little you know what the voice will get raised wherever we are. And he knows it so he tries to avoid those times. If I feel as if he needs to be punished I will calmly give him one warning then that is it. Electronics gone for however many hours I feel is appropriate. This is what works for us. Not that it will work for everyone. Alas, I have a soon to be teenage daughter right behind him.

lakshmi
01-01-2012, 10:01 PM
oooo, i love the dissect the word thing. Didn't realize that it was an aspie thing.

and i still never googled tween and all that..

Stella M
01-01-2012, 11:46 PM
I read Love and Logic for teens which was a pretty strange book, imo. And Christian to boot.

It had a few helpful ideas though...the main idea I took from it was to transition myself as a parent from a guide to a consultant. So you try to control less but suggest/offer information more.

"Hey hon, you seem a bit cranky today. I wonder if spending some time outside today might help ?" instead of "Hey, you need to spend some time outside today. All that screen time has made you cranky."

Idk. Not a very good example. But it's been helpful.

It's also been helpful practicing taking time to give an answer or response. "I'll think about what you said. I need some time to consider things before I can give you an answer one way or another. I'll get back to you."

jenpenny5297
01-02-2012, 01:43 AM
It's almost as if they want you to pop a gasket because I think that gives them some of your control for themselves. Or at least that is how I see my son thinking. So I have figured out if I just maintain my composure no matter how much I want to lose it we deal with each other a lot better. It is NOT easy let me tell you. There have been many times when I have just had to simply say to him you need to walk away from me right now. He knows that means he has pushed me to far and I am about to lose my temper but have chosen not to and stayed calm. I think he respects that more then if I do yell at him. The teen mind is very strange and at times seems to make no sense but we just have to do the best we can. One day they will appreciate it. ;)

dbmamaz
01-02-2012, 09:45 AM
Someone told me teens work hard to make sure we are ready to let them go when the time comes . . .

Avalon
01-03-2012, 06:44 PM
Someone told me teens work hard to make sure we are ready to let them go when the time comes . . .

That is hilarious. I always thought that my parents were so hateful and controlling with us as teens in order to encourage us to MOVE OUT!!

I find it funny how many kids are living with their parents into their twenties nowadays. My parents made us all completely miserable long before that. We couldn't wait to leave! We all get along now; we visit and talk to each other often. I think my dad is a much better person now that there are no kids in the house to stress him out. He just couldn't cope.

Mum
01-06-2012, 12:26 PM
I haven't read the other responses yet. I'll go back and do that. But I feel like you as far as being better equipped to cuddle kids 12 and under. My step-son is 13 going on 21. I think that the lovey cuddles are still desperately needed from ages 13 - 99. Go get your cuddles on... if they'll let you. ;)

Stella M
01-06-2012, 05:17 PM
LOL.

Dd12 veers between great disgust and annoyance with me and following me around and begging for snuggles LIKE A TWO YEAR OLD!!! It's doing my head in. I turn around and she is one step behind me. And they get so long and lanky and invade your personal space right before they lose the plot and shut themselves away in their room for hours, doing nothing but looking disgruntled. And so judgemental! And so needy! Like yesterday, she told me to snuggle her but only from the side because I had too much cleavage on display...what is that about!!!???

It's gonna kill me.

Mum
01-06-2012, 08:00 PM
See, that's where the Duggers have one up on us. I doubt their teens even know the word cleavage.

lakshmi
01-06-2012, 11:02 PM
See, that's where the Duggers have one up on us. I doubt their teens even know the word cleavage.

lol...



LOL.

Dd12 veers between great disgust and annoyance with me and following me around and begging for snuggles LIKE A TWO YEAR OLD!!! It's doing my head in. I turn around and she is one step behind me. And they get so long and lanky and invade your personal space right before they lose the plot and shut themselves away in their room for hours, doing nothing but looking disgruntled. And so judgemental! And so needy! Like yesterday, she told me to snuggle her but only from the side because I had too much cleavage on display...what is that about!!!???

It's gonna kill me.

la, la, la

dbmamaz
01-07-2012, 12:05 PM
see, that was another failure of mine. I"m not a cuddly mom once they get close to my size. That probably would have helped some. In fact I admitted once (to deafening silence, on my attachment parenting board) that probably one big reason I went for attachment parenting is that I am by nature such a withdrawn, distant person I needed to spend extra time WITH my kids. i think homeschooling does that pretty well too. I'm just kinda stand-off-ish.

Mum
01-07-2012, 09:05 PM
Cara, to give you hope and comfort, my Mom was NOT a very cuddly, snuggly Mom growing up. Now I am 36 and she is one of the most important people in my life. I adore her and prefer her company over most everyone else. So you don't necessarily have to be a cuddle-bug Mom to have a close bond to your kids. :)

dbmamaz
01-08-2012, 11:55 AM
Thanks mum. We are doing so much better these days . . . And I have to say, it helps some now that she's been disappointed by so many ppl she thought would be so much more supportive than I was. . . . .and they weren't. I feel like she appreciates me more. I mean, it would also have been great if there were more ppl in her life she could really turn to, but at least I'm not the bad guy any more

MrsLOLcat
01-08-2012, 12:48 PM
When I was a rebellious teen, my grandmother used to say "what we do to our parents we pay for 10 x worse with our children" (sounds better in spanish)
If this is true, I'll have my hands full for sure.

My mother used to tell me this, too. She would always say, "You know, your kids will be 10x worse than you are."

Sadly, so far she's been right. I have promised myself I won't curse my children this way, because if that's the case, I can't even imagine wanting to be around my own grandchildren. :p

dbmamaz
01-08-2012, 02:14 PM
Oh, and in my defense, this guy does not have a thing for younger women. He keeps telling her she should leave him and have some wild youthful adventures . . . But she says she doesn't want that. So, he's not a predator . .. .they just really click.

Mum
01-09-2012, 09:05 PM
My mother used to tell me this, too. She would always say, "You know, your kids will be 10x worse than you are."

Sadly, so far she's been right. I have promised myself I won't curse my children this way, because if that's the case, I can't even imagine wanting to be around my own grandchildren. :p
(Mum's dh posting in her name) From what i understand, the best part of being a grandparent is that you can give the kids sugar, caffeine and money; then send them home. I'm pretty sure that's the other side of the curse... "Your kids will be 10x worse than you, because I will make sure of it." it's like our final, long awaited for revenge.

anthonidikosta
01-10-2012, 01:41 PM
If you can understand exactly nature of particular person than you can easily solved your question because of you can easily living with teen at any situation and you can understand him/her.Second most important issue will be regarding to this as you can visit teens many time in a day and known what type of different different nature will be available and fill him.