PDA

View Full Version : how to deal with inappropriate principal...



5amigos
09-11-2011, 02:32 AM
i'm not sure if this is the right place for this comment/vent, but here goes...

we live in a very small, rural community. i have butt heads with the principal since we first moved here a year ago in regards to placement for my triplets in classes. anyway, for this year, we are hs the two boys while their triplet sister is at PS and my kindergardener is at ps as well.
i got a lot of push back from the principal when i decided to hs the boys. he made it VERY clear that he didn't agree with my decision, but obviously there was nothing he could do about it--my mind was made up.

on the first day of school, he asked my dd, "so where are your brothers? are you sad they aren't here at school with you?" what is my 9 yo supposed to say to that? he KNOWS where they are! i didn't like his manipulative question to my poor daughter.
i saw him one day when picking up the girls and he said, "where are the boys?"i said "they are at home with my husband." he said, "well, i thought you had left them home alone! i was going to say that isn't a good idea!" i told him they were home, but FELT like saying, "its none of your business!" one day he said to me, "we're ready for them to come back--not that i wish you ill-will with your homeschooling endeavors, but just so you know when you are ready to throw in the towel, we're happy to take them back." he's just lying in wait for me to "fail" and beg him to take my children back.

i help run a running track program at lunch recess once a week. i take the boys with me, they enjoy it, its 'volunteer' time for them and they get to see their school friends. last week, the principal saw my son throw a piece of paper. he was all over him, telling him he needed to make better choices and not throw rubbish. this last thursday, he saw one of my boys and said, "hey! do you miss us?! we miss you! we want you to come back to school! we are ready for you with a desk and all your friends when you want to come back!"

i was speechless. i'm not good with words when i'm stunned and on the spot! of course after i got home i thought of plenty of words for him! ha!

but how should i approach this? i'm very non-confrontational, so i don't want to get bent out of shape over these comments, BUT, i feel like saying, butt out! whats done is done, the boys are thriving, they are happy, our home is WAY happier, and i will bring them back IF and when they want to/need to come back. the thing that bugs me the most is he is cornering my poor kids with these comments. i think if he needs to say something to the boys, a simple "hey, how is it going?" will do.

am i way off base? how do i handle this?

ok, sorry so long, and i realized this is maybe more of a PS issue than a hs issue! ha!
i am about to throw in the towel on the running program i started because i don't want to be there, but my girls love to see us there and i love providing this service to the kids in our community. ugh.

i'd love any thoughts, suggestions, etc. i'll go eat ice cream now. :)

Stella M
09-11-2011, 02:50 AM
I have no advice whatsoever but I wanted to commiserate with you. The principal is way out of line! Hope you get some good suggestions on how to handle this because it's obviously not something that can continue to go on.

JinxieFox
09-11-2011, 06:18 AM
WHOA! I just want to slap him on your behalf! Knee-jerk reaction on my part.

Seriously, I would ignore him if I were you. This is something I've never personally dealt with, and I'm sure other people will have better insight, but that's my first thought: just ignore. Don't dignify his ridiculous comments with answers. Not even with an arched eyebrow.

hockeymom
09-11-2011, 06:28 AM
I'd take my other kids out of the school, tell him where he can go and never look back.

Hopefully you can get some more constructive advice, though. I really don't know--send a letter to the superintendent about the behavior? He is clearly way out of line. But then you're stepping into a bureaucratic minefield; I think you'd have to be pretty tough to go that route. The guys is a passive aggressive jerk; there aren't many good ways to handle that type of person except to walk away entirely.

Good luck.

SueEllen Grieves-Curl
09-11-2011, 08:27 AM
There are many people in this world that feel our children should be in PS, and do not like the fact that we HS.
Also keep in mind that PS are allotted money per student. So by you keeping 2 of your kids home the school does not get that money. Frankly in my opinion the principle does not have anything to say to your children.

Accidental Homeschooler
09-11-2011, 09:10 AM
Maybe a letter (not emotional) detailing your concerns and giving examples and what you would like to see change (I would prefer you to not question my daughters about a decision they have no control over ) and cc to his boss. This would be a last resort of course if talking to the man does not work. Sorry you all are having to deal with such a jerk.

farrarwilliams
09-11-2011, 09:14 AM
I honestly don't know. Like HockeyMom, my first thought is that I would just take them all out.

But obviously you want your two to be at the school. I guess I would just try to find a moment to say just that to him. Say, you appreciate his work and the work of the public schools in general and especially what they do for your two children who are there. However, you've also made perfectly legal, acceptable decisions for your other sons and you want him to stop badgering your young children, children too young to make these decisions for themselves, about the educational choices you've made for your family.

However, I think ultimately if he doesn't listen and keeps going, you have no recourse other than to stop volunteering or take the kids all out. This is the kind of crap ps parents just have to put up with for the most part. Bleh. Hugs.

Shoe
09-11-2011, 09:56 AM
I''ll go eat ice cream now. :)

That's a good suggestion!

But seriously, that's a tough situation to be in. Our local public school isn't terribly friendly towards home education either, which is one of the reasons I stated on another thread that I wouldn't consider letting my kids take any classes there, even if it were allowed in our state, though I do allow them to attend the school dances (at my kids' request) to see their old ps friends. I use a private school rather than the public school as our legally required "participating agency", and I try to have as few dealings with the public school as possible. Since their funding is partially based on numbers of students, there seems to be a conflict of interest and a built in bias against homeschooling.

Personally, I'd set my wife on them-she's a bulldog when it comes to confrontation and protecting our kids. I'm more gentle and tactful, but it sounds like some strong words are warranted. That said, you don't have my wife available :p...and you still have a child "in the system", so harsh words could affect her adversely. If the kids are bothered by it, or seem to have doubts about your decision from his words, then I would approach him and have a tactful discussion with him. If not, I would do my best to stay out of his way and ignore him as much as possible.

Good luck.

bcnlvr
09-11-2011, 10:00 AM
I actually had this problem. After much consideration and democratic discussion, the other child decided to come home and HS with us. We are all home now and it is a moot point.

Side note: I kept him in ps after pulling the other kid because he didn't have special needs like his sibling and he was a social butterfly. Also, "no way can I teach multiple children at home!". What to do?? Actually, this forum gave me the kahunas to take the leap and hs all the way. My fears are unfounded so far. Plenty of social time (community service, sports, etc) for Mr. Social and teaching multiple kids is working out.

I could go on and on about people in powerful positions who are passive aggressive. I don't tolerate them and neither should my family.

bcn

mommykicksbutt
09-11-2011, 10:06 AM
My knee-jerk reaction is pull them all out and stop volunteering your time to that a$$hole!

But, after taking a big breathe, I'm with Farra on this. I would talk to him. I wouldn't do it via writing but rather face to face. I would jot down some notes of what he has done/said and how it has made the children feel (uncomfortable? guilt? perhaps), this will help you formulate what you'll say. Also, since you are non-confrontational, practice in front of a mirror to give yourself some confidence or rehearse with a trusted friend or your spouse. Then, go to the school without the kids in tow to speak with him, make it seem impromptu, and inform him that his guilt-tripping your children (all of them) will cease or he will have two less bodies to cash in on. Be honest and blunt with him in instructing that your sons are thriving in your home education environment of which his school could not provide for them. Hs the boys is the best decision for them as just as having your daughters in his school is the best decision for the girls (at the moment). Only your family can make the determination of IF (a BIG IF) and/or When the boys will return to his school, HE has no influence on that decision and he should stop pressing for one. In the mean time he will keep his big trap shut around your children. Also, call him on his innuendo about bad parenting in assuming that you left the boys home alone.

Another tact you could take is to flip his questions back on him. "Where are the boys?" Why do you want to know, you're not a pedophile are you? "we're ready for the boys for when they return" why? so you can have more money in your coffers because they'll increase your body count? "do they miss us, we miss them?" actually, no the boys don't miss this warehouse at all and are the happiest they've been since coming to your school; etc... you get the idea. You might have to write some "come-backs" down based on the questions and statements he has used on you in the past, he is likely to repeat them and you can be ready for him. Eventually he should stop if he's put on the spot with something snarky. Just remember to always either say it will a smile or an genuine quizzical look on your face. Getting the kids to have comebacks is a different story though but he should not be guilt-tripping them into thinking that the boys should be in school and that it's wrong if they are not.

But then again, on third thought, it would definitely send him a message not to f*** with your kids like that if you just pulled them all out and left him a note as to why. His loss, your and your kid's gain.

Shoe
09-11-2011, 10:16 AM
Another tact you could take is to flip his questions back on him. "Where are the boys?" Why do you want to know, you're not a pedophile are you? "we're ready for the boys for when they return" why? so you can have more money in your coffers because they'll increase your body count? "do they miss us, we miss them?" actually, no the boys don't miss this warehouse at all and are the happiest they've been since coming to your school; etc... you get the idea. You might have to write some "come-backs" down based on the questions and statements he has used on you in the past, he is likely to repeat them and you can be ready for him. Eventually he should stop if he's put on the spot with something snarky. Just remember to always either say it will a smile or an genuine quizzical look on your face. Getting the kids to have comebacks is a different story though but he should not be guilt-tripping them into thinking that the boys should be in school and that it's wrong if they are not.

But then again, on third thought, it would definitely send him a message not to f*** with your kids like that if you just pulled them all out and left him a note as to why. His loss, your and your kid's gain.While emotionally I like this approach, I question the wisdom of getting too confrontational in a nasty way with the person who has authority over two of her children for large parts of the year. Especially when he seems to take a passive aggressive approach to things, he could make life pretty miserable for the in-school kids. There would then always be the option of withdrawing them from ps, of course, but if 5amigos wants to leave her kids in the public school, your first, more tactful approach might be better. Just my two cents.

MarkInMD
09-11-2011, 10:25 AM
I'm with Shoe. A jerk like that just might take out any hostility on the kid(s) still in school, whether consciously or not. I vote for a tactful, face-to-face meeting made by appointment (not just in passing). By doing so, you've made your position known in an adult manner. Then if he chooses to continue acting childish, you can take it up with higher authorities at the board of ed. Document everything if you go that route.

Greenmother
09-11-2011, 10:44 AM
What a Jackass.

He thought you left the kids at home alone? What a shitty remark. That's code for, " I knew you were a neglectful parent...". You do need to say something to him.

Calling him on the carpet about attempting to emotionally manipulate your remaining children would be first on that list. If he has something to say, he can say it to you. Adult concerns--belong in adult ears. And not on a child's shoulders.


Second: He is principal of his school, and not of the world, or your house. The only male that has any right to interject his desires on your children would be the man you are married to and/or the biological father. And since you don't recall marrying the principal or having relations with him--that cuts him out of *that decision making process.

Your initial desire to homeschool your other children was not a reflection on his skills as a principal--but if he keeps this behavior up---his behavior could become a factor in the removal of your other kids.

I would tell him, play nice and count your blessings.

Amanadoo
09-11-2011, 11:13 AM
I would document everything he said, with dates, times and context.

I would start by sending him a letter or email. If letter, save the first copy. In this letter I would point out that his passive-aggressive goading of you is unacceptable. You are an adult and you have made a decision, and he can suck it. But, you know, more polite than that. In that letter I would also tell him that you've noticed him making suggestive remarks to your children, which calls into question your and your husband's authority to make decisions for your family (cite one instance in his own words) and note that that is completely unacceptable. End with something terse but polite, along the lines of "I am sure that you will understand my position and discontinue these comments. Thank you."

Save that letter! The very next time he says anything to you or any of your kids, write another explaining that you have already asked him to desist, and now you are taking the matter to his supervisor...school board, whatever (I don't know who would fill in for "supervisor" here), then forward both the letters to the school board and additionally ask for a face to face meeting with the supervisor/SB.

My gut instinct would be to rip him a new one so fast he can't catch his breath or ever recover....But then me second thought would be to ignore it. But neither of those approaches would solve the problem, really, and in addition neither would show my kids how to properly stand up for our family unit without losing our cool. Know what I mean?

This principal is a bully. How would you want your kids to take down a bully at school their own age? Violently? By ignoring him? Or by exhausting every possible civilized method available...then racking it up a notch if it comes to that? I dunno, it's a tough situation for sure.

B12Bomba
09-11-2011, 11:15 AM
I think I would just try to smile blandly and say something like "My family and I are happy with the decisions we have make with respect to our children's education. If this changes, we'll let you know!" One thing that has taken me a while to learn is that just because someone asks me a question, I don't have to answer it.

Lak001
09-11-2011, 11:27 AM
I and my child were mistreated by the Vice-Principal of her school. There was nothing I could do about it. These people are pretty powerful, and they do abuse their powers. I don't know if you can do much either, other than just talking to the principal and expressing the fact that he's making you and your kids feel uncomfortable with his questions. If you choose to confront him, remember you are going to face an uphill battle. Most educators are against homeschooling. Homeschooling is like a slap on their face because they know that parents choose to HS their kids because the public school system is failing them. I would only advise you to tackle this with caution. Good luck.

Pefa
09-11-2011, 11:40 AM
I think you call him, set up an appointment and tell him "I hope that we all want the same thing - the best education for all the children in our care. Homeschooling is a legal educational choice and the best choice for my boys.The comments you are making are hurtful and inappropriate. I have no choice but to go to the superintendent and the school board. " and do it. They may not be any more sympathetic but at least you will be on record. Unfortunately you may end up having to pull your dd too.

good luck.

Batgirl
09-11-2011, 03:00 PM
I'm with Shoe. A jerk like that just might take out any hostility on the kid(s) still in school, whether consciously or not. I vote for a tactful, face-to-face meeting made by appointment (not just in passing). By doing so, you've made your position known in an adult manner. Then if he chooses to continue acting childish, you can take it up with higher authorities at the board of ed. Document everything if you go that route.

I'm with Mark on this. Do the first conversation face-to-face, by appointment. Keep it tactful and constructive, especially if you want your kids to continue there, but be very clear about your concerns, what you find inappropriate and what he needs to do/stop doing to remedy the situation. I would also start documenting everything now, times, dates, what was said, etc. Have a letter composed and ready to send to his boss , his boss's boss; heck, feel free to send letters all the way up the chain of command to the Superintendent. If he makes any future remarks after your appointment with him, send it, and be prepared to pull your kids if need be. What a jerk.

CatInTheSun
09-11-2011, 04:24 PM
Ignoring or polite talk via apt probably best. I'd think hard on what you really need (vas want) to change. For example, he's not going to turn supportive of your decision, but you might be able to convince him to not discuss your sons with dd (if he has a question, ask you) because it isn't appropriate to drag the kids into it.

Hopefully, a calm discussion pointing out that he has voiced his disapproval of your decision, you heard it, and now he has to respect your right to decide to homeschool. His behavior feels to you to be an attempt to undermine your homeschooling, which is inappropriate, and you hope he will be more thoughtful of his comments, esp to your children, in the future.

That said, I'd likely go the route of when he said this sort of thing, I'd tell my kids (in his hearing, and in a manner you might describe an animal in a zoo): "See, this is a behavior we call passive aggressive. It happens when people in authority feel insecure and impotent. It is inappropriate, but unfortunately common. We'll discuss this more tomorrow at homeschool." :p

ETA: As to your boys, next time he starts into them, interrupt and just tell him, "My boys are not enrolled at your school. You have nothing to say to them."

Good luck!

Jilly
09-11-2011, 05:24 PM
I would also pull my other kids out and never look back. That is probably not the advice you are looking for, but I would be so angry over the whole situation that I would never want to step foot on the campus again.

jessica14
09-11-2011, 05:29 PM
I know your kids enjoy you volunteering, but I would stop immediately. If anyone (his in particular) wants to know why you stopped, let them know. Also the one on one meeting is important. If that doesn't work, a letter to the superintedent with dates, times, and what was said. You don't need that kind of garbage and neither do the kids.

And really, I'd pull them all out although that might not be right for your family. I was so annoyed at all the politics of the school and district, that it was one of my main reasons for homeschooling.

coloradoalice
09-11-2011, 05:29 PM
I haven't read any of the other responses yet so I'm going with my first instinct here. If I were you I would send a short sweet and to the point e-mail letting him know that he is not to question any of your children about where or how any of their siblings are schooling nor is he to undermine any of your decisions in front of the children again. Let him know if he has questions you are happy to set up an appointment with him where you can discuss things without the kids. Otherwise the topic is closed, you are the parents and have made your decisions, end of subject.

He is way overstepping his boundaries with his questions, especially when he speaks directly to the kids. What a jerk.

Penguin
09-11-2011, 06:31 PM
I'd take my other kids out of the school, tell him where he can go and never look back.

Hopefully you can get some more constructive advice, though. I really don't know--send a letter to the superintendent about the behavior? He is clearly way out of line. But then you're stepping into a bureaucratic minefield; I think you'd have to be pretty tough to go that route. The guys is a passive aggressive jerk; there aren't many good ways to handle that type of person except to walk away entirely.

Good luck.


Yeah, this'd be me too. Get myself out of ever having to deal with him again.

dragonfly
09-11-2011, 07:44 PM
I'm totally non-confrontational too, so I know how hard it would be to do a face-to-face meeting, but I really think that that is the best way to go. If your first communication with him on this issue is via a letter, you are just giving him time to come up with a "good" comeback. If you can do it face-to-face first, you are more likely to catch him off guard, and hopefully get him to agree to stop bugging your kids. Make it clear that any conversation/comments regarding your sons and/or homeschooling will only be directed at you or your husband from now on. Keep it short and to the point. You don't need to justify your reasons, or explain how your kids felt about his comments. Be pleasant, but firm.

If he persists after the meeting, THEN you can go the letter route.

Good luck. What a tool.

JennyD
09-11-2011, 08:47 PM
Wow -- how utterly inappropriate indeed. I agree with those who have recommended talking to him face-to-face, politely but firmly. I would try to either drop by his office or just buttonhole him some time soon and say something along the lines of, "Hi, I just wanted to touch base with you about something that has been weighing on me a bit. X, Y, and Z are all having a great time in school so far this year, their teachers are wonderful, and DH and I both appreciate what the school offers them. That said, I was quite disconcerted to hear you asking X where her brothers were, and especially talking to Q and R about how much everyone here misses them. I realize you're not a fan of the boys being homeschooled, and that's fine, you don't have to be. However, the children don't get to make decisions about their education, DH and I do, and we are very happy with our decision. I would like to keep volunteering here, but if you think that this is going to be an ongoing problem, please let me know and I will just bow out."

I would not pull your other kids from public school just because the guy is annoying -- no reason to give him that sort of power. But ugh, what an unpleasant situation!

5amigos
09-12-2011, 03:30 AM
WOW! i hadn't been on the computer much this weekend and I was so amazed to see so many responses! all i can say is THANK YOU to all of you who have given me input. i KNEW you all would have wise things to say and give me food for thought on this.
it really is a sticky situation. trust me, i have thought it would be great to just pull the two girls out and hs them too. but, my 3rd grade dd has a wonderful teacher whom she loves, and the kindergardener is really loving her kinder experience and being a "big girl" at school. they are happy there--and i love the school, i really do. it is small, and like i said, we live in a small, rural community and people at school are like one big family. in general, they watch out for each other and i feel good knowing my girls are there among friends, neighbors, and people we know. and all of those things are why i love volunteering there--many of the kids at school are poor, and there is very little playground equipment and things to do at recess--so i love doing the lunchtime track once a week. BUT, NONE of these things have to do with our jerk principal who drives up in his fancy car from town (an hour away) and is SO CLEARLY not from this community. in short, i would hate to change the way we are doing things because of HIM.
plus, my decision to hs the boys was strictly because of THE BOYS. they both struggled last year and i'm realizing more and more that one of them has a serious reading/writing issue that we are trying to figure out and this is for certain the right thing to do for us right now.

i have NO problem going to the superintendent over this. our principal should know better than to mess with me since last year he put up this huge fuss over how i wanted the triplets placed. i DID go to the superint. over that and i got my way. :) she was very sympathetic to my situation and was just normal and saw the obvious. so, if it comes to that, i have no hesitation doing that.

but, i will talk to him--tomorrow. i like the idea of just starting with a simple, to the point conversation and just pointing out the things you all mentioned.
i'll report back!

thank you again, first of all for reading my novel of a post...sheesh! and for giving such thoughtful advice. i appreciate all your perspectives.

MarkInMD
09-12-2011, 04:36 AM
Since I'm the first one awake to respond, I'll say, "We're standing right behind you. Let us know how it goes!"

hockeymom
09-12-2011, 05:36 AM
Yep, good luck!

Mum
09-12-2011, 09:40 AM
I have to say, as a practicing Buddhist who strives to speak with kindness to everyone, even my enemies, if I were you I would offer him a nice, tall glass of "shut the feck up."

Shoe
09-12-2011, 09:56 AM
WOW! i hadn't been on the computer much this weekend and I was so amazed to see so many responses! all i can say is THANK YOU to all of you who have given me input. i KNEW you all would have wise things to say and give me food for thought on this.
it really is a sticky situation. trust me, i have thought it would be great to just pull the two girls out and hs them too. but, my 3rd grade dd has a wonderful teacher whom she loves, and the kindergardener is really loving her kinder experience and being a "big girl" at school. they are happy there--and i love the school, i really do. it is small, and like i said, we live in a small, rural community and people at school are like one big family. in general, they watch out for each other and i feel good knowing my girls are there among friends, neighbors, and people we know. and all of those things are why i love volunteering there--many of the kids at school are poor, and there is very little playground equipment and things to do at recess--so i love doing the lunchtime track once a week. BUT, NONE of these things have to do with our jerk principal who drives up in his fancy car from town (an hour away) and is SO CLEARLY not from this community. in short, i would hate to change the way we are doing things because of HIM.
plus, my decision to hs the boys was strictly because of THE BOYS. they both struggled last year and i'm realizing more and more that one of them has a serious reading/writing issue that we are trying to figure out and this is for certain the right thing to do for us right now.

i have NO problem going to the superintendent over this. our principal should know better than to mess with me since last year he put up this huge fuss over how i wanted the triplets placed. i DID go to the superint. over that and i got my way. :) she was very sympathetic to my situation and was just normal and saw the obvious. so, if it comes to that, i have no hesitation doing that.

but, i will talk to him--tomorrow. i like the idea of just starting with a simple, to the point conversation and just pointing out the things you all mentioned.
i'll report back!

thank you again, first of all for reading my novel of a post...sheesh! and for giving such thoughtful advice. i appreciate all your perspectives.


Since I'm the first one awake to respond, I'll say, "We're standing right behind you. Let us know how it goes!"

@5amigos-what MarkInMD said!


I have to say, as a practicing Buddhist who strives to speak with kindness to everyone, even my enemies, if I were you I would offer him a nice, tall glass of "shut the feck up."

LOL. Too funny.

coloradoalice
09-12-2011, 03:31 PM
Good luck! I wonder if his passive aggressive BS is due to him wanting to get you back for getting your way with your children's placement. Some people just cannot let stuff go.

mommykicksbutt
09-13-2011, 08:17 AM
Good luck! I wonder if his passive aggressive BS is due to him wanting to get you back for getting your way with your children's placement. Some people just cannot let stuff go.

Interesting observation Alice. Power corrupts, what good is power to a power monger if he can't use it against other people. Perhaps that's what's happening here. He should just get over it and let this family get on doing what they know is best for their kiddos.

5amigos
09-16-2011, 10:50 PM
Update on the principal--
so, i let my self cool down for a couple of day. i needed to get my wits about me. thursday was our volunteer day out on the field and sure enough, he was roaming around checking things out. he came over and we started talking and at the first lull in the the conversation, i just came right out and said that I needed to respectfully request he no longer discuss the boy's school situation with them, nor pin them down and ask if they miss it, etc. i also told him to not discuss the boy's education with their sister who is still there. at ALL. ever. i told him that if he wanted to talk about where the boys are, if they are missing it, how hs is going, etc, then he needed to talk directly to my husband or myself.
so, this was the best part...he acted completely dumb and caught off guard! with this totally astonished look on his face, he said, "oh, my, wow, did i say something like that? i didn't think...well, maybe, i MAY have asked them if they missed school..." and he carried on, completely puzzled by it all. then he said any comments he had made weren't meant to harm, just to make fun conversation with the kids. i said i appreciated his chatting with the kids, but told him he needed to keep it to a simple "hows it going" or discuss local sports, or the weather or something. THEN he said, "i will speak with ms. r (the vice-principal) and let her know of this because I think she has said some things that could have been offensive." at that point i just shrugged my shoulders knowing i'm dealing with a real piece of work, because the vice prin. has actually been AMAZINGLY supportive of my decisions and is always SO friendly to the boys and asks them how school is going and if mom is a nice teacher. :) they smile and tell her i'm awesome. (thanks boys...) anyway, she never says anything that puts any of us in an awkward position, so i'm sure when he tells her to stop saying rude things she will probably want to laugh in his face at how inappropriate he has been (she has witnessed some of his comments.)

anyway, we will take that approach and see how things go. THANK YOU to all of you who gave me the confidence to tackle this problem AND to make me feel validated in my fury over this guy. you all are so supportive, and i felt brave going into my conversation with mr. h knowing i had a lot of people rooting for me!

thank you!!!

farrarwilliams
09-16-2011, 10:53 PM
Hooray!:_applaud:

Amanadoo
09-16-2011, 10:55 PM
Oh I am so glad it worked out well!

coloradoalice
09-17-2011, 12:05 AM
Holy crap, I can't believe he deflected to someone else! Wow, he is really passive aggressive. I'm glad he was nice about it though and I hope the entire thing isn't an issue for you guys again!

Shoe
09-17-2011, 12:26 AM
Glad to hear it went well, and nice to see you stand up for yourself and your kids!

CatInTheSun
09-17-2011, 12:37 AM
Glad it went so well! Hopefully now that he's on notice that you will call him out for this behavior he'll find someone else to go vent his passive-agressive angst on. :D

hockeymom
09-17-2011, 06:28 AM
Good for you! That took real guts! :)

JinxieFox
09-17-2011, 11:19 AM
Good job speaking to the principal about how you felt! He sounds like a real idiot. Yeesh.

mommykicksbutt
09-17-2011, 11:39 AM
Yippee! Good for you!!!!! What a boob, not willing to take responsibility for his mouth. Did he even offer an "I'm sorry" to you?

Hampchick
09-17-2011, 11:58 AM
For you: :_applaud:
For the principal deflecting: :punch:

Yarngoddess
11-19-2011, 06:07 AM
Good for you for standing up and saying No More! I think you handled the situation quite well, especially considering that you are non-confrontational. Let's hope that this jerk minds his own business from now on. Also, don't hesitate to write a letter to the Superintendent if the Principal continues with his "NICE" behavior.
Glad that your DS's are thriving in the HSing- and glad also that PSing is working for your girls! Yeah for happy kids!!!

Avalon
11-19-2011, 10:23 AM
I haven't read any of the other responses yet so I'm going with my first instinct here. If I were you I would send a short sweet and to the point e-mail letting him know that he is not to question any of your children about where or how any of their siblings are schooling nor is he to undermine any of your decisions in front of the children again. Let him know if he has questions you are happy to set up an appointment with him where you can discuss things without the kids. Otherwise the topic is closed, you are the parents and have made your decisions, end of subject.

He is way overstepping his boundaries with his questions, especially when he speaks directly to the kids. What a jerk.

This was my first thought. No need to really engage with this guy. If you have a meeting, he has a chance to be manipulative again. A simple e-mail or letter describing the behaviour with a request to stop is it. Then don't bring it up again.

I would probably coach the kids who are in school not to answer his questions about their siblings. If they could remember to just say "you should ask my mom about that," or simply something like, "my brothers are fine, thanks!" This way they have a simple, stock answer, and they don't have to try to figure out what the principal wants from them.

Deb417
11-19-2011, 10:41 PM
Oops! That'll teach me to read entire threads before I open my mouth!!

Good for you! Glad it all worked out!!

luvmybaby333
11-20-2011, 12:26 AM
I'd take my other kids out of the school, tell him where he can go and never look back.

Hopefully you can get some more constructive advice, though. I really don't know--send a letter to the superintendent about the behavior? He is clearly way out of line. But then you're stepping into a bureaucratic minefield; I think you'd have to be pretty tough to go that route. The guys is a passive aggressive jerk; there aren't many good ways to handle that type of person except to walk away entirely.

Good luck.

Yep. This is probably what I would do. I'm guessing that isn't necessarily the correct response, though... SO I will read on to see what some of the other folks have suggested. LOL

luvmybaby333
11-20-2011, 12:28 AM
Update on the principal--
so, i let my self cool down for a couple of day. i needed to get my wits about me. thursday was our volunteer day out on the field and sure enough, he was roaming around checking things out. he came over and we started talking and at the first lull in the the conversation, i just came right out and said that I needed to respectfully request he no longer discuss the boy's school situation with them, nor pin them down and ask if they miss it, etc. i also told him to not discuss the boy's education with their sister who is still there. at ALL. ever. i told him that if he wanted to talk about where the boys are, if they are missing it, how hs is going, etc, then he needed to talk directly to my husband or myself.
so, this was the best part...he acted completely dumb and caught off guard! with this totally astonished look on his face, he said, "oh, my, wow, did i say something like that? i didn't think...well, maybe, i MAY have asked them if they missed school..." and he carried on, completely puzzled by it all. then he said any comments he had made weren't meant to harm, just to make fun conversation with the kids. i said i appreciated his chatting with the kids, but told him he needed to keep it to a simple "hows it going" or discuss local sports, or the weather or something. THEN he said, "i will speak with ms. r (the vice-principal) and let her know of this because I think she has said some things that could have been offensive." at that point i just shrugged my shoulders knowing i'm dealing with a real piece of work, because the vice prin. has actually been AMAZINGLY supportive of my decisions and is always SO friendly to the boys and asks them how school is going and if mom is a nice teacher. :) they smile and tell her i'm awesome. (thanks boys...) anyway, she never says anything that puts any of us in an awkward position, so i'm sure when he tells her to stop saying rude things she will probably want to laugh in his face at how inappropriate he has been (she has witnessed some of his comments.)

anyway, we will take that approach and see how things go. THANK YOU to all of you who gave me the confidence to tackle this problem AND to make me feel validated in my fury over this guy. you all are so supportive, and i felt brave going into my conversation with mr. h knowing i had a lot of people rooting for me!

thank you!!!

Awesome! Good for you for speaking your mind. :)