PDA

View Full Version : The in-laws are here



Accidental Homeschooler
07-24-2011, 06:44 PM
My IL's arrived an couple hours ago. FIL seemed normal and MIL, a little frosty, but perfectly polite. They are off with dh and my older dd right now and I am starting my second G&T, hoping that it will put me in a better frame of mind to cope. I am SO uncomfortable with them. It has never been easy but OK until we started hsing my older dd. I am afraid that I am going to be the one to poison this visit because of my negative feeling toward them. I can't even figure out why I care so much. Anyway, at least the house is clean so I am not ruining my dd's future in a filthy house :rolleyes:. I have no plan for the next four days, just muddle through I guess. If anyone has a better suggestion I am all ears.

Stella M
07-24-2011, 06:58 PM
Oh, I feel for you! This is how it was with my IL's for about 12 years. Then one visit, I just said to myself, quite despairingly "This is how it will always be. There is no point in expecting anything else." And hey presto, with complete lack of expectations came an improved relationship. I even spent three days at their house with the kids, no dh, voluntarily. And got to hear some stories from their childhoods that explain the way they are. It helps, because even though they still drive me crazy, I now know why they are crazy.

Failing that, get really good at passing the bean dip :)

Or get a friend IRL to call you at prearranged times for loooonnnggg chats and tell the IL's she's having Problems. Suffer from a migraine that means a whole two days in bed. Stop speaking at all on days three and four. Pretend they are a visual and auditory hallucination. Hiss at dh in the kitchen that they're his parents so why are you making all the conversation ? Drink. Take Lexapro. Bombard the IL's with evidence of your children's superior education. I have done all these things.

Sorry to say this, but the only thing that truly helped was just accepting that things were always going to be crap. And then they weren't. Hopelessly new-agey, I know.

Count down the days. Come here to vent silently. I'm sorry you're going to have a tough time with them around.

CatInTheSun
07-25-2011, 02:33 AM
Hmmmm, I just spent 24hrs in a deep funk because my MIL e-mailed she'd bought tix to come out for a visit in a couple months (last month she said she wasn't coming out until next year, grr). Ultimately I choose not to give her the power to control how I feel. If I do, it only hurts me and my family.

My only advice is to remember you cannot control how your ILs are, feel about hsing, or feel about you. Thank goodness, eh? I mean, you wouldn't WANT that responsibility. But you do control your expectations (keep them LOW) and how you feed into the dynamics. They are insignificant to your life and in a few days they will be gone and you will be back to normal. Don't give them the power to be more.

Hang in there!

Kylie
07-25-2011, 02:57 AM
Oh dear I feel for you I really do. things ate ok but awkward with mine too and oh my Melissa younhad me laughing somhard I nearly peed my pants!!!

Accidental Homeschooler
07-25-2011, 09:26 AM
Thank you! I felt better as soon as I posted that and of course, you are all correct. The problem was me still hoping they might come around, not going to happen! The gin did help quite a lot and we had a pleasant evening. My mantra will have to be, "no expectations, no expectations, no expectations...." MIL seems to be mostly focusing on dh and the kids and FIL and I discussed recent books we had read and it was fine (we have similar tastes in nonfiction). I just have to make sure we don't run out of gin.

JinxieFox
07-25-2011, 11:46 AM
Oh, how I feel your pain! My former in-laws were awful, and having them around just created a toxic environment when they would visit.

My way of dealing was to avoid them as much as possible. I'd let them take my son out shopping, and my ex-husband hung out with them all the time. But I always found something to keep me busy. ;) Not the best way to deal with them, perhaps, but it was better than the time I went off on my former MIL (no, actually, that was quite amusing... but anyway).

So keeping busy might help keep you from suffering an overdose of in-laws!

Theresa Holland Ryder
07-25-2011, 03:38 PM
I feel for you. My relationship with my ilaws has never been good. I could write a novel or 3 about it. I also need the "no expectations" mantra. I'm just glad they've stopped with the attack questioning on the kids. They'd suddenly pounce on the kids and ask ridiculous questions to see if they're really learning anything, because they're sure they're not. "Quick! What's 5 x 12?" "Hey! What's the capital of Rhodesia!" etc. etc. I had heard of this when I first started homeschooling, but silly me, I didn't think I'd actually see it IRL. :)

mommykicksbutt
07-25-2011, 06:13 PM
Hugs, I feel for you too.

I'm fortunate now I guess because my MIL will never be in my house ever. My MIL is forbidden to visit. She's a nasty woman. People will cross the street, round the corner and go 4 block out of their way when they see her coming their way when walking on the street.

About a year after hubby and I got married (they refused to come to the wedding unless hubby drove from FL to PA to get them and then drove them home right after the wedding thereby postponing/canceling our honeymoon) we stopped to spend a week with them before our move to Japan. On day two, I was left alone with her. She got up, checked that we were completely alone and poked me in the chest with her boney-ass finger and told me that no child of mine would ever be a grandchild of hers. Fine, I'll hold you to your word bitch. (I was 2 month pregnant with my son - our daughter is from my prior marriage - this hubby adopted her as his own, she shares their surname). When I informed my hubby about her words and behavior he was in denial that his mother could be so hateful. Hubby's sister was visiting there too at the same time. Between his sister, our (then 11 y.o.) daughter and myself, he came to accept that his mother had become a mean-nasty-hateful person. Daughter and I left early for my family's visit. Hubby had words with his parents. He didn't speak to either of them for almost 10 years after that. When his sister told him that his dad was dying he visited them but stayed with his sister (they moved from PA to sister's town). His relationship with his mother is very conditional on her behavior. MIL says she doesn't remember say those nasty things to me. Hubby has visited 3 times since his dad died, each time staying with his sister and only spending no more than 3 days. That's about how long it takes for her to get going with the insults. She doesn't send birthday or christmas cards to anyone in our home. She does not get photos from us, this is my decision. She has request to see our son. I remind my hubby of her words to me and that I'm holding her do them. She still hasn't seen our son and he is 14 now. Our daughter was 11 when the witch last saw her, she's now 26 (in about a week that is), Daughter has no desire to have anything to do with that woman. I still have not seen the bitch or talked to her. What is really sad is when my mother died, the kids cried that the wrong grandma died! My parents, on the other hand were great ILs. My hubby loved them and we all miss them.

I feel your pain. They will leave soon.

octobersky69
07-25-2011, 07:13 PM
Its kinda of funny reading all of the posts, I used to think the jokes about in-laws were just that jokes, until I got my pair. Thank God they live 5 hrs away, but the funny thing is, in the 9 years we have been married, I have seen them 8 times, and 2 times before we were married. They came to see my son when he was born, but in 8 years of his life never call to talk to him. They do not send me birthday or mothers day cards and I do not talk to them on the phone, because they never call me. The funny thing is they think we should drop everything and go stay with them, LOL My husband doesn't seem to care either way, but his cousins gave him an ultimatum last yr about coming back to visit, and well we never made it down there. When we did go down previously, We stayed in a Hotel and they were offended, I think I would have needed a case of bourbon to get through that. This past July they sent my son a birthday card, but didn't even bother to call for his bday, my husband is done with their games, and is glad my parents are normal, well as normal as they can get,. So I feel for you, If I lived near you, I'd pick you up for a girls night out. Good Luck and I will have a shot of whiskey for all of those out there with those kind of IN-LAWS.

jessica14
07-25-2011, 07:25 PM
Mommykicksbutt, I can relate. Let's just say that our in Mother-in-laws would get along great! Periodicaly, she disowns one of her children. She is only happy when one of them is in crisis. My husband is currently not speaking with her and has not been for over a year. He tried when his Dad had a stroke, but she kicked DH out of the house when he dared question why it was that she chose to drive my father-in-law from GA where he had the stroke to FL where they lived. She knew he was having a stroke, yet she waited 9 hours to get him help.

Accidental Homeschooler, just smile and be polite. It will all be over soon! Just focus on father-in-law if it helps.

skrink
07-25-2011, 08:28 PM
My in-laws are thousands of miles away, and I am more thankful than I can say. They are very uptight, very old school, stridently Catholic, and they live to make the best impression. They do NOT approve of homeschooling, and totally dismiss our dd's ASD diagnosis. In their minds, dd's meltdowns and other problem behaviors are strictly the result of bad parenting. At least they don't comment openly about it anymore - best to ignore and then make snide, backhanded, jokey asides. Our last visit from them was about 2 years ago, after a 6 year hiatus. It wasn't bad, simply because we forced them (by perfectly timing the removal of our guest bed - converted the room to a playroom!) to get a hotel. Best. move. ever. Still, not in any hurry to do it again. I so feel for you! Keep the gin handy, keep smiling, and cross those days off the calendar. It'll soon be a distant memory.

TamaraNC
07-25-2011, 08:48 PM
I feel for you. MIL has been here once in 10 years. Never again, if I can help it.

On my first visit to her house, she told me that she didn't know how I kept from harming my step-son (DH's child from his previous marriage) because he reminded her so much of DH's ex-wife. Her exact words were, "I don't know how you keep from kicking his f*cking head in." He was 8.

She has also told me that she was able to keep the horse farm going after her husband died because she has "a n*gger who comes every day."

Lovely, lovely woman. And she wonders why she never sees us and why my step-son has no interest in a relationship with her. Hmmm, I'll ponder that one...

CatInTheSun
07-25-2011, 10:20 PM
My in-laws are thousands of miles away, and I am more thankful than I can say. They are very uptight, very old school, stridently Catholic, and they live to make the best impression. They do NOT approve of homeschooling, and totally dismiss our dd's ASD diagnosis. In their minds, dd's meltdowns and other problem behaviors are strictly the result of bad parenting. At least they don't comment openly about it anymore - best to ignore and then make snide, backhanded, jokey asides. Our last visit from them was about 2 years ago, after a 6 year hiatus. It wasn't bad, simply because we forced them (by perfectly timing the removal of our guest bed - converted the room to a playroom!) to get a hotel. Best. move. ever. Still, not in any hurry to do it again. I so feel for you! Keep the gin handy, keep smiling, and cross those days off the calendar. It'll soon be a distant memory.

Totally agree -- MIL is only tolerable because she stays in a hotel when she visits.

Accidental Homeschooler
07-26-2011, 12:32 AM
Wow! Those are some way worse IL stories than I could ever come up with for mine. Thanks for taking the time to share them. It makes me feel a lot better about my situation and sorry that so many have even worse ones. I really am trying to have no expectations and it is helping a lot. So far, so good and my in-laws have always preferred a hotel and that gives everyone a break. Nobody has talked about hsing to me and so I guess they are trying the "don't say anything if you can't say something nice" approach (and I am finding that I appreciate this). It is kind of sad to give up the idea that they will get on board with hsing but a relief at the same time. And of course I always have the gin!

Stella M
07-26-2011, 12:38 AM
Gin good, though vodka better :) If anything 'just slips out', like "Oh my God, haven't you gone home yet ?", you can just blame it on the alcohol.

Accidental Homeschooler
07-26-2011, 01:01 AM
Gin good, though vodka better :) If anything 'just slips out', like "Oh my God, haven't you gone home yet ?", you can just blame it on the alcohol.

Well, vodka would work too. I just think there is nothing better than a gin and tonic on a hot day. But maybe I have only had cheap, crappy vodka. I should probably go get some really good vodka tomorrow just in case the gin doesn't get me through the whole visit. And thanks for providing a plan B should I let something slip.

mommykicksbutt
07-26-2011, 07:44 AM
gin good, though vodka better :) if anything 'just slips out', like "oh my god, haven't you gone home yet ?", you can just blame it on the alcohol.

roflmfao!!!!!!!!!

speech mom
07-26-2011, 05:03 PM
Hiss at dh in the kitchen that they're his parents so why are you making all the conversation ?



This happens frequently when his mother visits. Husband will wander away and be found playing on the playstation or taking a nap. His mom, he can talk to her.

She has threatened to call CPS because she feels my tall, thin child is malnourished, is convinced my son's autism is from my bad parenting, and punishes my youngest for making her feel stupid. Last time she was here, she came in, sat at the dining room table, and didn't say a word. For SIX hours. Creeped the kids out.

I just tell myself to breathe and get through it. She will leave and everything will go back to normal. When it gets bad, I find other things that I have to do. Text a friend and have them call and ask you to come over and help them with something.