PDA

View Full Version : chalk and cheese



Pefa
11-28-2010, 02:31 PM
I tied my brain in knots trying to figure out what to do next, maybe you all will be able to help me get untangled.

Here are the variables:

B1, 12yo Aspie on the high functioning side - his strengths are his memory, his ability to focus when he's choosing the object to focus on, nearly impossible to keep him on task otherwise. (True for all of us but ramped up considerably in his case) his ability to think critically and creatively. He's also a talented fiddler/mandolin player, an amazing tracker/woodcrafter and an excellent cook. B1 is the kid you go to when you can't remember article 14 of the US constitution or when TC99m was first used. Just don't ask him to remember your name.

BOO, almost 10yo, the kid with more interpersonal skills and emotional maturity than some grown ups I know. I've seen him not only keep his cool when a stranger gave him grief about his long hair but turn the situation around so that aforementioned stranger ended up telling BOO about life on a hardscrabble farm during the depression. Not quite to the point of working independently yet but getting there. Average intelligence, he understands you have to work to get what you want.

I work second shift 3 days/wk and every other weekend.

My marriage is unraveling for many reasons.

We live in a 20 minute drive from anything, and the first things you get to aren't that great. BOO's closest friend is 30 minutes away on a road that is evil in the winter (and here in Northern VT it's already winter).

So, if we lived about 8 miles in any direction, BOO would be in school right now. (the local school is just not going to cut it. I appreciate all the stresses the staff are under I like some of the teachers who are amazingly dedicated but we've spent enough time there for one thing and another that even the thought of other kids to play with isn't enough to get BOO back.) If we lived about 50 miles south B1 would be in school and BOO would be unschooling.

If I have one boy in school when do I work? I could put both boys in school and work first shift. I'm going to have to move sooner or later because I'm going crazy here, do I pick a place for BOO (there's a circus school on the other end of the state that's quite tempting, hell, the Bejing Acrobatic school takes foreigners that's even more tempting) and make it work for B1? B1 will not move easily - his dad (my dh) is also somewhere on the aspie scale so they spend a lot of time together. On the other hand part of the reason the marriage came apart was because dh can't see how much impact his aspie stuff has on the people around him so I really don't want B1 to have the same troubles when he's grown.

Do I throw in the aging, divorced, parents who have health issues?

Sorry for soap opera. TIA.

dbmamaz
11-28-2010, 04:24 PM
Oh, dear, that sounds like a coupla rocks and hard places with some frying pans thrown in!! Just curious, can the flown kids help any? Also, i'm not convinced that aspies can learn to be better spouses by not hanging around other aspies . . . what about working from home in some fashion? Why would you want Boo unschooling if you moved 50 miles south? It sounds like BOO could succeed almost anywhere.

Divorce is really, really hard. I found that my younger (who was 4 at the time) missed his biodad much more than I expected, so being only 10 miles from each other ended up really handy, so said 4yo could do more visitation when he was really missing the ex. It is really, really hard on that now-14-yo that he sees his biodad quarterly. Every single poetry or free writing assignment speaks to that pain. Is there any placement at all through the 8-mile-away schools where B1 could possibly succeed?

also, of course, as sad as it makes them, they do understand when you are working hard to make things work out and they cant get everything they want. Of course, my ex was drinking and had hit me before i actually gave up, so the 7 yo, at least, never doubted my decision.

sorry, that was almost as long as yours! good luck! you'll find a way!

Stella M
11-28-2010, 06:19 PM
That is a lot to untangle!! My own experience with tricky and convoluted situations is that it is often helpful to figure out what works best for me. If I'm in good shape, the kids can deal with most things. I guess in your case that might mean looking at your work options first and who could help care for the boys when you work, and organising a move/schools.homeschool choices around that. It is really hard trying to sort everyone's issues at the same time, kwim ?
Anyway, good thoughts coming your way, I know it isn't always as simple as that. Take care.

Shoe
11-28-2010, 10:11 PM
I don't have much to offer but good vibes and some sympathy. I hope you get it all sorted out.

InstinctiveMom
11-29-2010, 12:26 AM
I'm with Shoe... nothing to add by way of been-there, done-that, but lots of support and best wishes for you.
~h

Pefa
11-29-2010, 07:08 AM
Thanks all, I do appreciate the support. It will work out, just gotta keep plugging away for now.

Topsy
11-29-2010, 10:06 AM
Pefa,

Your ability to share and be vulnerable is a sincere credit to you. You know where you are in this situation, and that is half the battle!! No advice from this quarter, but my deepest mom-feelings and encouragement to you. I also have a high-functioning Aspie that sounds much like yours. They have incredible compensatory skills, don't they?? (((((hugs)))))

Pefa
11-29-2010, 10:14 PM
Aspie's rock but sometimes they shake the rest of the world in the process. How can you not love a kid who takes Feynman and an evo-devo book in his backpack to read while he waited for deer to cross his path? The deer did cross so our freezer is stocked for the winter. Hooray. He took them both w/clean lung shots and the only problem was that they weighed more than he did so we had to drag them out for him.

Thanks again.

wild_destiny
12-04-2010, 06:54 PM
That is a lot to handle, Pefa, especially all at once. Your situation sounds kind of like mine, in that you are trying to juggle too many balls at once, and one of your hands keeps being tied behind your back. When life is too overwhelming for me, the only thing I have found that gives me any peace of mind at all is to sit down with a notebook and pen and list my problems/agitations, as well as how much those issues matter to me (and how much they really deserve to matter). If something is bothering me that really should not, (or if it is minor), then I try to figure out why it is bothering me so much. Finally, I go back through the list and make another list which consists of possible solutions to each and every thing that is on my problems list. Usually, I try to find more than one possible solution for each problem. The funny thing is that even if I do not actually follow through with many of the solutions, I, nonetheless, feel a lot better just having narrowed down what is really weighing on me and knowing that there are things I can do to make the situation more tolerable. Somehow it is empowering and liberating just to see that there ARE things that I can do to improve my life. (Not that I am in any way trying to preach at you. Just that this is what has helped me get through some tough times. ) Hope your situation gets worked out for the best for all of you! :)

Pefa
12-10-2010, 04:13 PM
Thanks Deanna, sometimes all I can do is spill my guts and hope that as I stuff them back inside I can make them fit better. I don't want to leave my husband, (driving home from Thanksgiving I heard a repeat of bit of an interview w/Norman Mailer's 6th wife, who died just before T'day. The interviewer asked her why she hadn't left him. She sighed and said "You don't just leave a man, you leave a life. I was mom to nine children and I couldn't just up and leave them." Summed up my thoughts perfectly.) but I do need a break. Folks with Aspberger's are tough to live with. I'm putting out feelers for 3 to 6 month volunteer opportunities for the boys and myself. We'll see what happens.

dbmamaz
12-10-2010, 07:56 PM
Pefa, my second husband moved out to an apartment for 6 months - well, he actually told me he wanted to leave me, but after 6 mo of awful fighting, i kicked him out even tho I really didnt want him to leave, but i also didnt want him to stay with no commitment. anyways, it made a big difference for him, he was much more ready to commit after that. It might be good to just get some space from each other and think about ways you can both figure out how to live with each other more peacefully

wild_destiny
12-11-2010, 09:20 PM
Pefa--THIS COULD BE YOUR LUCKY DAY!!! Just moments ago (right after reading your post), I thought, "Hey, wouldn't it be great if there was someone who could volunteer to do my work for me for about 3-6 months? That would be AWESOME!!" Frankly, what with the school work for the kids and the housework, my lying around/vegging out time is not as much as I would like. So, if you could just haul all yourselves my way, I'll throw some cots in the back yard (we are short on house space, sorry), and you can get started on your "volunteering", and I'll go nap! It's like we are a match made in heaven! What are the odds? Like I said, your lucky day! ;)

Seriously, though, I do hope you get things resolved. It is not easy to figure out what to do in a relationship that is taxing. But I do hope it gets better for you however it turns out. :)