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View Full Version : I dropped the schedule.....and lost my mind



Aroura
01-29-2015, 03:41 PM
When we started Homeschooling back in October, my husband wrote out a very strict schedule we were supposed to follow. We altered it a few times, always with his approval. But since Christmas break kind of messed up the schedule, we did lots of half days and partial lessons, I've completely lost my ability to follow any kind of schedule.

I had my phone programmed to chime for each new lesson time, and so forth, but half the time the chimes were going off in the middle of a lesson, so I'd just turn it off and keep working with DD. Now I just keep it all turned off and go by a more relaxed schedule.

We still do the same things, I just no longer have timers on them. For instance, we might only spend 20 minutes on German, then a full hour on math, instead of the 30 minutes and 45 minutes in our official schedule. Sometimes we've spend hours doing a social studies project and maybe done some writing in a day, and that's all!

At any rate, I feel kind of bad, but also kind of free. Confused. lol.

Some days we don't do any science or SS, just the basic math, writing, spelling, etc. I try and include at least math and reading into each day, but now some subjects are only being done sometimes, instead of every day,

I don't know if this DD is learning enough this way, or if this less structured schooling is just me being lazy (I guess that is my real fear).

I'm just sort of rambling at this point. Felling a little lost and confused, like I really can't do this. Lately I've been thinking maybe she'd do better back in PS. Or maybe that is a selfish thought because I'm just so stressed out all the time! I never get ANY me time anymore. I'm exhausted and cranky all the time, everything feels rushed and half finished and poorly planned. I have DD all day for school, then she usually wants me to play with her, or I have to take her to Gymnastics or Girls Scouts. Gymnastics is a brief break, I do get to read there, but I'm still with half an eye on her. For Girl Scouts I'm her troop leader, so that is hardly a break. Even if we are allowed to have a friend of hers over, or go to a friends house (rarely, my husband distrusts almost everyone and does not like other children coming to our house, for the most part, but hates us going to their houses even more), I'm still the one there. I have few adult friends. None, really, more like a one or two ladies who are very good, friendly aquaintances. At any rate, after all that, she usually expects me to play with her (although she is good about playing and reading on her own for short periods, this is usually when I'm doing laundry or mobbing or cleaning the cat box), then help her get ready for bed, story time, and finally, peace. Well, no, because after she's in bed, my husband demands my attention. He is stressed from his long day and needs his back rubbed most nights. He usually picks a TV show or movie that he knows I do not like, because he just doesn't seem to care. Horror movies especially, but also those comedy shows where people hurt themselves doing dumb stunts, and everyone laughs. I can't watch them, they give me panic attacks, or at the very least make me anxious. He just tells me I'm weird, turns it on, then lets me stare at his back all night while he relaxes and watches TV.

Ok, this is turning into more of a family rant than a loosing my schedule rant. I think I'm loosing my mind though! When DD was in PS, I usually got her ready in the morning, fed her and DH before he left as well, walked DD to school (it is pretty close), then came home and had a nap. After nap time, I had hours to do chores, and a little quiet time around the house to put on programs I like, cooking shows and stuff. Things that relax me.

I want her back in PS because I can't do this! I'm losing my mind. :( I love her but all I hear is her little tiny voice all day long, every day, or my husband lecturing me, or loud and scary TV shows. I feel like a robot with no rights or considerations.

If it helps to understand, I have Narcolepsy and Anxiety disorder. The Narcolepsy makes it so my sleep is screwy, so I'm tired all day. I usually need a nap, but now I never have time for one. More often than I'd like to admit, I just doze off on the couch while DD is eating lunch. It isn't something I can really control. Sometimes the schedule is a mess because I fell asleep, or napped too long. And the more tired I am, the more prone to anxiety attacks I become, as well as angry outbursts. I don't want to be mean mom, so instead I've become I don't care any more mom.

I know I'm going to hear a lot of "talk to your husband", but I can't. I used to be able to, but since he re-started college, he no longer has any time or patience for anything else. If I tell him this is stressfull for me, he immediately threatens to quit school and tells me it would be my fault. So I have to keep it to myself. But keeping it in, I think I'm going to explode. Or maybe just not get out of bed one morning.

How do you ladies handle the stress of homeschooling MULTIPLE kids? I can't even handle the one very well here. I feel like a complete loser right now. :(

alexsmom
01-29-2015, 03:59 PM
Hugses!

Skip the cleaning you arent in the mood for!
Dont watch shows you dont want to see. Tell hubby you dont mind giving him a back rub but not when stuff you dont like is on in the same room. You dont make him watch Alton Brown reruns, he shouldnt make you watch stupid stuff you dont like. He can choose which is more relaxing - slapstick or backrub.
Can you switch to make other things easier for yourself too? I have no shame and will tell hubby he is getting frozen dinners for a week if Im going to be busy (because i play a game thats time intensive on occassion!).
Find videos that can double as soc studies and science / nature. If you doze off during them, its not the end of the world. (Unless youre afraid of falling asleep alone with DD.) Tell DD youre too tired to play if its true. If you feel youre not getting enough play time with her, swap something else out.
If hubby asks why the house isnt clean, tell him the truth that you didnt do it because you were exhausted. And tell him where the mop is kept, if its important to him, well then his arms arent painted on, are they?

Stick up for yourself, and for what you want. Take your downtime during the day, and dont watch anything you dont want to. ;)

Mariam
01-29-2015, 05:02 PM
For her schooling, your child is still young (correct?) I wouldn't worry about covering all of the subjects regularly until maybe jr high age. I think continuing with math and reading is important as these skills take time to learn and you need the early ones as a foundation. All the other subjects, do as the spirit moves the two of you. With DS, we do reading and math daily and all other subjects as interest-based lessons. I have started some science lessons, is a general order to fill gaps, but that is what DS is interested in working on right now. We watch videos on history, science, arts and the like, just to give DS an idea about stuff that goes on in the world.

Norm Deplume
01-29-2015, 05:19 PM
I know I'm going to hear a lot of "talk to your husband", but I can't. I used to be able to, but since he re-started college, he no longer has any time or patience for anything else. If I tell him this is stressfull for me, he immediately threatens to quit school and tells me it would be my fault. So I have to keep it to myself. But keeping it in, I think I'm going to explode. Or maybe just not get out of bed one morning.



I feel for you there. My DH went back to school and was both full time student and full time employee for 2 years, until he graduated June 2013. It is an unbearably stressful time. There are no spare minutes for anyone to have any downtime ever. It sucks.

That said, he doesn't get to blame you for what he does or does not do. He's a big boy and can decide whether to continue school or not based on his own criteria. I may be projecting here, but if he's expecting you to watch movies you hate while massaging his shoulders, then threaten to quit and blame you if you ask for any consideration about how stressful this is for you too? That's manipulative, and not fair. Not okay. You are not his servant.

As for the HSing? Relax. Your daughter will be fine without rigorous multi-subject days here and there when you need a break. Kids are so resilient, and can soak up all sorts of new information even when it's not at a table or in a workbook.

Avalon
01-29-2015, 06:07 PM
I hope this doesn't come out wrong, but your situation with your husband sounds downright creepy and abusive to me. He sets the schedule? He needs his back rubbed? He picks the TV shows? He ignores your feelings? He tells you it's your fault if he quits school?

You have health issues, constant demands on your time, no close friends and no help available. If you were my friend, I would gently try to encourage you to seek counselling. Why does this situation seem reasonable or acceptable to you? You need support.

By the way, it sounds like your homeschooling is going swimmingly. Truly, the routine you have going sounds absolutely perfect to me, and it sounds like your little girl is thriving. Pat yourself on the back.

Solong
01-29-2015, 07:05 PM
These DH rants are making my blood boil. I usually try to give a a very balanced response to things, but I'm going to go a different way this time. Here is my reactive response:

These hubbies sound like giant-adult-male-sized infants. No wonder you are exhausted! No wonder you are at the end of your rope!

Here is a thought. Put dd back in ps, and focus your daytime energies on your health and home life. You are not just here to teach her to read and write. The best things you can teach her that women are equal members in society, at work and in families. You can model for her how you want HER to choose a life partner, and how you want HER to treat and be treated by her future partner. That is the best lesson you can teach her right now.

If you still want to be involved in the reading and math - volunteer a few mornings at her public school. I know tons of public school parents who are just as involved with their child's education as homeschool parents are.

Phew. And, big hugs. I'm totally giving my dh a back rub tonight, in honour of the fact that he has NEVER demanded one. What was that phrase I just learned? Giant jesus balls, or something?! Oy.

ejsmom
01-29-2015, 07:07 PM
Yikes - WARNING! I'm going to be blunt: you are a grown woman, a legal adult - and don't need your husband's permission to do or not do anything. It is considerate to take your spouse's feelings into account and listen respectfully to their input and work together to achieve both of your goals for childrearing/homeschooling. I feel like much of your whole post is about what your DH requires you to do, blames you for, allows you to do, see, go, and socialize with. YOU are not a loser. He does not sound particularly supportive of you, and I hope you are just blowing off steam during a stressful time and it just feels that way, right now, and isn't quite the picture it appears.

If my DH wrote out a schedule for homeschooling for me to follow during the day while he is not the one home doing the homeschooling, well, uh - I'd just laugh and (sweetly) tell him to blow out his a$$. He wouldn't even imagine doing such a thing. You altered the schedule a few times - with his approval?? I am not understanding why this is. I hope I'm missing something and it's not just a control issue. I don't want to make assumptions.

I'm not sure why you feel the need to do every subject, every day, each for a set period of time. You are homeschooling. One of the benefits is the flexibility that PS doesn't allow. If math takes longer, so be it. Maybe she works faster in another subject, so why do the full time allotted? I've NEVER done every subject, every "school" day. And I started with a state charter online school which actually was PS at home! Our local PS most certainly does not do every subject every day. They barely touch on history and science, like most homeschoolers do. It sounds like you and your DD need MORE flexibility - due to your health issues and her learning style. So why so rigid? It sounds like DH is imposing the rigidity. I may be wrong, but if that is the case, then why?

You also must take time for yourself. Are you to never have time away for yourself? If your DH can't handle college and his family obligations then, IMO, he should quit. And that's not YOUR fault. It's his. Other men go to college and work FT and still are there for their child and wife - mine does. You deserve it. You can't even talk to him about your feelings, needs, your child's daily schedule? It may be that right now it just feels that way and you're venting. But if you really cannot even have a discussion with him, at all, you have other issues to deal with than your homeschool schedule. For the best interest of your child, if that is the case, that is what has to be addressed first and foremost.

Misha
01-29-2015, 07:38 PM
I read this to my husband because it's been bothering me since I first read the original post. My husband works full time, and is in school full time. I homeschool our two children. My husband's succinct reaction was "Her husband sounds like an asshole."

Being in school full time, working full time, while your spouse is homeschooling your child(ren) is stressful. How your husband reacts is on HIM. It is not your fault. Aurora, hon, you need help, far more than any of the posters here can give you. Marriage is give and take, what's he giving you? Really?

Mariam
01-29-2015, 07:51 PM
I want to put this out there for anyone who feels bullied at home. There is help.

Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233 or TTY 1−800−787−3224.

Domestic violence is not only physical, emotional bulling also fall under this category. You may call anonymously and just talk to get some ideas on how to cope.

From their website: Our highly-trained advocates are available 24/7 to talk confidentially with anyone experiencing domestic violence, seeking resources or information, or questioning unhealthy aspects of their relationship.

Their website is The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support (http://www.thehotline.org) and they can instant message but they have a warning:
Safety Alert: Computer use can be monitored and is impossible to completely clear. If you are afraid your internet usage might be monitored then call them.

Also, if you feel that it is difficult to call from home because phones are being monitored, I suggest finding a public place to call from like a library. While the library may not have pay phones that are available for use, usually if you ask the librarian about a phone to dial a toll-free number they will let you use it.

crunchynerd
01-29-2015, 08:13 PM
This is setting off some serious alarm bells for me: "Even if we are allowed to have a friend of hers over, or go to a friends house (rarely, my husband distrusts almost everyone and does not like other children coming to our house, for the most part, but hates us going to their houses even more)"

Even if you are allowed to have a friend over or go to a friend's house?

I grew up in hell with a controlling, and then abusive, stepfather, who conditioned us to accept, bit by bit, his role of the person who allows...everything. You feeling like a robot who isn't allowed to have needs and feelings? That was my mother. I? I was a girl who couldn't even order anything on a menu without checking first, with him, to see if it was okay, and it all seemed normal to me by then. It was the rest of the world who "wouldn't understand us". I recognize my stepfather in the paranoia, the distrust of "outsiders" and the systematic cutting you off from the outside world, not approving of normal happy things for your child like having friends over and going to their houses.

Things like that get worse, not better.

Please consider talking to someone, a professional you can trust, about what to do in this situation.
If not for yourself, then for your daughter. She deserves friends, sleepovers, a happy mom, and to see a healthy relationship modeled.

Accidental Homeschooler
01-29-2015, 10:45 PM
You aren't a complete loser! You have too many expectations on you. As you have already gotten good feedback on the marriage stuff I will just share how we got organized. I quit thinking about time, how much time each subject was going to be. Instead I plan based on what we need to accomplish each day for each subject. Because I use curricula it is pretty easy to do. Some days it takes longer than others. We don't always get everything done but usually. If dd wants to do extra then it just takes longer, which works for us right now. As you go you get an idea of what is doable each day. I focus primarily on math and language arts. They are everyday. Our other subjects are more relaxed and are two or three days a week so we can alternate.

MNDad
01-29-2015, 11:32 PM
I admire HS parents and their children who keep to those sorts of rigorous schedules. We're not among them, though we gave it an honest try. In the end, trying to recreate a schedule where the bell rings at the end of class was exactly the opposite of what we're trying to do.

A jammed-up schedule presumes that the goal of education is filling the head full of content. The relaxed schedule says that it's more about fostering curiosity, learning skills, etc. We still have a schedule but it's painted with broader strokes now.

Take care of yourself. Personally, I think about this more and more. I'm *rapidly* approaching 50 with a 6 year-old child. I've got to look after myself because she depends on me. Sometimes I have to nap in the afternoon. It's independent reading time for DD. Win-win.

Of course, taking care of yourself means lots of different things...

Deli76
01-30-2015, 12:39 AM
Hugs hugs and more hugs

Norm Deplume
01-30-2015, 09:47 AM
I read this to my husband because it's been bothering me since I first read the original post. My husband works full time, and is in school full time. I homeschool our two children. My husband's succinct reaction was "Her husband sounds like an asshole."


I did the same thing last night, and my husband's reaction was "What an asshat."

BatDad
01-30-2015, 11:45 AM
All I could add is that things work differently here. My wife is an ICU nurse and works about 50 hours/week. That is four 12 hour shifts with overtime thrown in because 12 hour shifts sometimes become 12 1/2-13 hour shifts. We could live on less, but she is motivated to take care of our slew of financial obligations. She is in school part time and will finish her B.S. in December (I am very proud, as this is a woman who did not get to finish high school, obtained her GED, and completed nursing school).

Anyway, due to her schedule, I do a good 90% of the work at home. For now, it is my career, and I will move on when our children are raised to a point of self-sufficiency. When my wife comes home and clothes are in the dryer, she runs another cycle to get wrinkles out. If dishes weren't put away, she waits for whoever gets to them first. She works a butt load of hours, and she knows that I do as well.

No bed of roses here in my home, but we work efficiently as a team. I guess I am saying that perhaps the OP could look at whether or not there is a team part to any of this work. The OP should get back rubs and TV time as well. The OP should have autonomy at her work the same way the dude has at his work. Yes, staying at home is work. Beyond that, other posters have taken care of the other aspects using more vibrant language so now I do not have that need.

RTB
01-30-2015, 12:33 PM
It sounds like you are really stressed right now without a lot of outlets. Hugs.

Remember everyone gets kind of burnt out and in need of a change in February. So if for you that is a change in your schedule, so be it.

It sounds like you need some alone time to decompress, recover. Is there a way to carve it out? DD gets a TV show while you do a yoga DVD or something similar. Try to get outside once a day for a walk with DD. Have a daily quiet time - don't do any work during this time, just relax. All that can be done with DD home. Maybe you can pick a couple of evenings where you head off to the bedroom to zone out while DH is in charge of getting DD off to bed, or out for tea by yourself.

Try these changes first. If after that you still feel that placing DD back in PS is what is best for you and her, then it is. No shame, no failure. You are doing what you need to do for your mental health. You can try again once DH is out of school and the stress level in your home is a little lower.

I am sure your husband is very stressed right now and that does not help your stress level. And I don't want to lecture you, or presume to know your relationship but I can't end this post without mentioning that some of DH's behavior raises some flags for many of us on here. Please take care of yourself.

CrazyMom
01-30-2015, 01:58 PM
"I read this to my husband because it's been bothering me since I first read the original post. My husband works full time, and is in school full time. I homeschool our two children. My husband's succinct reaction was "Her husband sounds like an asshole."

I gave it a try, too. My hubby shares the consensus.

Aroura
01-30-2015, 02:37 PM
Thanks for the hugs.

I'm sure I'm just overreacting and things will get better. I don't really want to put DD back in PS, it was not a healthy place for her there, I just need to make sure I take car of myself as well.

I can't comment on my relationship with DH. He is an ass, but I've never known a man who wasn't like this. It sounds like they are out there, but maybe because my own father is like this I just assume this is normal.

Anyway, sorry to cause such a stir. I really just needed somewhere to talk to people who wouldn't tell me they were praying for me, lol.

fastweedpuller
01-30-2015, 03:01 PM
More hugs! And no prayers! :)

alexsmom
01-30-2015, 03:02 PM
Dear Aroura, Im glad people dont say theyre praying for me, here, too!

Just stick up for yourself a little more. You dont have to be in a room with tv you dont like, and dont have to make a fight about it. Just go in the other room.
And you need some *me* time where you arent having to be responsible for DD or use the time for chores. Negotiate, carve it out. I get a precious hour and a half each evening, and hubby and I split out weekends. It makes all the world of difference. Hubby sometimes does a lousy job taking care of the kids, but they are safe and even though I would do a better job, hes competent to manage it.
Youre both working toward family productivity, so you both need time to relax and decompress. It doesnt matter that he leaves the house or that you dont.
Good luck! *fistbump* (for strength)

Misha
01-30-2015, 03:50 PM
Thanks for the hugs.

I'm sure I'm just overreacting and things will get better. I don't really want to put DD back in PS, it was not a healthy place for her there, I just need to make sure I take car of myself as well.

I can't comment on my relationship with DH. He is an ass, but I've never known a man who wasn't like this. It sounds like they are out there, but maybe because my own father is like this I just assume this is normal.

Anyway, sorry to cause such a stir. I really just needed somewhere to talk to people who wouldn't tell me they were praying for me, lol.


Aurora,

You don't need to apologize for anything.

I don't want to upset you, but I want you to consider what the dynamic between your husband and yourself is modeling for your daughter. Do you want her on a forum one day justifying the abusive behaviour her spouse dishes out on her because that's how her father was?

If nothing else, please, please find a professional you can speak with - this behaviour isn't "normal", hon. You, and your daughter, deserve better.

quabbin
01-30-2015, 04:54 PM
Others have addressed the relationship issues, so I'll respond just to the schedule. Schools have precise, rigid schedules because they are managing hundreds or even thousands of students with just a couple of dozen adults. That's why there are 43 minutes of math--not 30 minutes today, 55 minutes tomorrow, and 40 the next day, even though that might be what would work best for the math teacher and students. (That's true of institutions in general, IME: eventually they grow to the point that most rules and procedures are for the benefit of the institution rather than a particular participant.)
If you have one child, you need just enough of a schedule to get through what ought to be done for the year. That does not mean the same schedule every day, down to the minute, unless you are in one of the few states that require counting hours. Pedagogically, it makes more sense to complete something and get to a good stopping point than to interrupt a lesson because time's up.

CrazyMom
01-30-2015, 04:54 PM
"I can't comment on my relationship with DH. He is an ass, but I've never known a man who wasn't like this. It sounds like they are out there, but maybe because my own father is like this I just assume this is normal."

There ARE good guys out there Aroura. Everyone deserves dignity and respect. You seem like a sweetheart. I hope you find a guy who deserves your kindness and patience one day.

You didn't cause a stir. People here just think you're great. They just want better for you and your kiddos...more freedom, more joy, more love. You deserve that.

(((((hugs))))

Only
02-03-2015, 06:07 AM
Would it help if you scheduled your time for the week vs day? Maybe with a time range rather than a specific minute per subject. Would that help your husband relax?

Btw, I agree with the quiet time during the day when DH isn't there to add stress to that time. If you don't make time for yourself and your happiness, no one will. Also, everyone deserves to be loved. Even if your husband became involved in scheduling bc you asked him to, or he's a project manager and good at that, etc., doesn't mean that he should be in charge of it. Lastly, if you choose to give your husband a back rub every night, that's cool, but what extra thing does he do for you? His bringing home a paycheck is equal to you educating and raising your child and handling day to day family and household duties. Bringing home a paycheck doesn't equal being a slave owner. Hugs and understanding.

Aroura
02-12-2015, 05:58 PM
Thanks all of you. :)

I had a long talk with DH last weekend about all of this, and he really listened, just like he used to. This week has been loads better. He seems less stressed out, and certainly is less demanding. He even did the dishes for me last night (without me asking!) because DD was having a rough night so I was in there trying to get her to sleep.

I do think his ass-hol-ishness is totally related to his schoolwork. He's always a bit selfish, but has shared snuggle time since I mentioned to him that it has been very one way lately.

As to school, that seems better too. DD is doing fine. We just do a lesson and it ends when it ends. Some days school goes on for over 4 hours (especially if she gets going on some science or SS project), and sometimes it is much closer to 2.5 or 3 hours.

Thank you all for your support and kind words. They really helped a lot, and gave me the courage to talk to my husband and get things back on track. :D

Accidental Homeschooler
02-13-2015, 10:28 AM
That is great news Aroura!

Only
02-14-2015, 07:38 AM
Glad to hear it! Happy Valentine's Day!